Hope

June 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

Hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12)

And that about sums it up

My feelings at the moment

I’ve been here about 12 days

And in that time I’ve come to believe

That we are fighting a losing battle

My Nana is 90

That’s just a fact

All day long we’re putting out fires

Kidneys, heart, lungs

If we can get rid of one problem

We just gain another

Watching her struggling to breathe with the ventilator

Watching her suffer

Seeing the blood coming up from her lungs

Having the doctors tell me day after day that the ship is sinking

It’s made me lose hope that we are going to win this battle

Maybe this is the end

At least the end of her life here on earth

I showed up on day one fresh with hope and a belief that we can fight whatever comes our way

Discouraged at day’s end but always waking with hope renewed

But the past few days I’ve found myself crying at night

And there’s more

I’m lonely

And to be honest

I don’t feel lonely that often

How can I?

Yes I’m divorced

But I have four kids

Two dogs

Two cats

And a partridge in a pear tree…as the song goes…

I’m surrounded all day every day by noise and little people

In fact, I often pray for some time alone

Some peace and quiet

Well be careful what you pray for

Because now I’ve got it

I spend my days at the hospital

I come home to an empty condo

Quiet

I can hear every noise

The AC coming on and off

The ceiling fan

The birds outside

These are the noises buried underneath the sounds of children playing and dogs barking

And when those are removed you get down to the noises beneath

Like the air conditioning, fan, creaks of the house, and crickets outside

But even deeper down

If you’re alone long enough

With no one and nothing around you day after day

You’ll find the silence surrounding you

And it can be scary

Lonely

After 12 days of watching my Nana suffer, I’ve come to the conclusion

That I’m fighting a losing battle

That’s depressing

And I don’t often think this

I don’t often allow myself to think this

But 2 nights ago I laid staring at the ceiling and thought to myself

Wouldn’t it be nice if I was still married

If I had someone to share all this with

Someone who could encourage me? Or at least just exist with me in the lonely times of life?

But instead it’s just me

And I wonder—why God?

WHY?

Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life?

Will anyone ever love me again?

And I don’t do this very often

I can’t

Because if you’re a single Mom of four children then you don’t have time for self pity

You don’t have time to get depressed

But right now in this moment…this place

This circumstance

I find myself feeling extremely alone

Asking God why it is that He can do the impossible

Perform miracles

Calm the storm and part the sea

Raise the dead

But He can’t bring one man into my life who will love me

Am I that hard to love?

I’ve trusted God for over 5 years

I made a decision when my husband walked out the door that I was going to survive it

And I have

I’ve learned to find my hope in God

To let Him be my encourager, comforter, provider

And He has

But every now and then I wonder

Can’t I have a husband too?

Because life gets lonely sometimes

But I don’t want just anyone

I want THE one

The one who He puts in my path

Because I’m not willing to settle for less

12 days of watching my Nana in this condition

Has dashed my hopes

12 days of sitting alone in this condo

Has made me realize how alone I am in this life

If I don’t have my children

One day they’ll grow up and have their own lives

And will I still be here…alone?

I’ve lost my husband

I’ve lost my mother

And now I’m losing my Nana

I try to hang on to hope

But hope deferred makes the heart grow sick

That’s straight out of the Bible

I guess God knew we would feel this way

So what can I do?

But tell Him how I feel

He already knows

It’s no surprise to Him

I know He will carry me through

Because He always does

What I don’t know is why

Why to anything

Why I have to go through these things alone

Why I often feel sometimes like I suck at life

Like life is a game and I’m not good at it

I remember being in Nana’s condo at 18

And having such high hopes for my life

But I didn’t want anyone telling me what to do

Nana and Mom loved to do that

Always telling me what I should do with my life

So I’d escape to the back room where I didn’t have to hear it

No need to escape now

Their voices have been silenced

And looking back on the hopes and dreams I had at 18

Make me realize I should have listened more often to what they said

Maybe I wouldn’t be divorced and alone right now if I had

So tonight my heart is sick

Sick with the dashed hopes of my youth

Sick with the suffering I see every day at the hospital

Sick with the loneliness I feel in this condo

But I’ll still hold on

Because even if this world holds nothing for me

He has promised me that there will come a day

When there will be no more tears (Rev 2:14)

No more sorrow

If I have to wait until the credits roll before I see that day

Then I’ll wait

Holding on

Because as hard as it is for me to feel it right now

I know He makes good on His promises (Hebrews 6:18-20)

So never lose hope

 

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{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }

Katie June 20, 2012 at 3:44 am

I’m trying to find the words to say.. but really the only thing that comes to my mind when reading your blog is Third Day’s song Mountain of God.. I wish I could put video’s in comments! So you get the lyrics! Just remember that even though it seems that you are alone right now, you are not! You may not have a husband, but you have something better.. you have God! And He is ALWAYS there for you!

“Mountain Of God”

Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn’t even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

‘Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn’t ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey’s long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who’s gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I’ve been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I’ve come from
And the things I’ve left behind
But of all I’ve had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what’s in front of me
With what’s in front of me

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Katie! You are awesome. This is one of my all time favorite songs and I used to listen to it almost daily when I was going through my divorce. Perfect timing!!

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Staci June 20, 2012 at 4:43 am

I feel so bad for you and your Nana. I know what you mean about it seeming to be a losing battle you are fighting with her. I’m sorry. I don’t think you are hard to love, but unlucky for you I am a woman and also married with 4 kids of my own, so I’m no help at all!!!! 🙂 Any clue how long you plan to stay? I know you have to be missing your kids like crazy. I know your heart is torn, too, that you want to be with your Nana as long as possible. I will pray for you again tonight. I appreciate you blogging when possible, giving us updates and a glimpse of your own emotions. Night girly.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm

hahaha Staci!! You always know how to make me laugh. Love you!

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Sarah June 20, 2012 at 6:54 am

We cannot reason out God but there is a reason you are going through this without anyone to physically be there with you but it is not because you are destined to be alone. Perhaps it is to prove to yourself that you can do it, perhaps it is so you realise the extent of your support network or perhaps it is to make you stronger. I don’t know.

I do know that even in a losing battle, hope survives, in glimmers.

Hope that you bring comfort to your Nana. She is not going through this alone.
Hope that your Mom is watching you, helping your Nana, being there for her, and is thinking “I knew you could do it.”
Hope for one more day, one more hour, one more minute because when they are gone, you will always wish for just one more.
Hope that if and when the end comes, she is not suffering or at least suffering as little as possible.

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light. (Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J.K. Rowling 1999)
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 2:28 pm

You are so right Sarah. I have come to terms with not having to know the “why”. I still struggle with it but I don’t allow it to be a deal breaker in my faith walk. And how much do I love that you just quoted Dumbledore?! My kids would say “COOL!!”

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JUSTME June 20, 2012 at 7:04 am

Im really sorry that your nana is so sick, Ill keep you and your family in my prayers.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Thanks so much!

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Kaitlyn June 20, 2012 at 9:45 am

Life is change, change is loss. but change is also gaining.
Remember to be your own best friend and that it’s O.K. to cry, to not feel fine, to be angry, upset or distraught. It would be worrying if you didn’t feel this way right now.

*hugs*
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Kaitlyn!! This should be on a bumper sticker, girl! Life is change…change is loss…but change is also gaining. So depends on how you view it, right?! Love your outlook!

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Linda Kuil June 20, 2012 at 10:47 am

You have to be enough for you. You not only need to survive, you need to thrive. Find something you’re passionate about, other than your kids, to give you purpose. And there is someone out there, someone DESERVING of you. There are plenty of on-line Christian dating sites if you’re serious about finding someone, even as a companion. 1 in 5 couples meet online now! Time to join the craze!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Amen Linda!! You are so right that finding happiness on my own is the only way to truly be happy. That’s why I made a conscious choice not to get involved in the past even when the opportunity presented itself. My kids are my priority as they should be. And 99% of the time I’m truly happy in my life now. The reality is that even married couples have struggles so being married doesn’t necessarily mean all the problems go away. And I know this logically. I just think every now and again I have to ride out the wave of self pity before I shake myself out of it!! lol Should I join the craze?! Ack! Not sure just yet but I’ll think on it. Love you Linda!!!

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Elizabeth June 20, 2012 at 11:19 am

It’s hard to find the words to respond to what you’ve said, other than God has a purpose and a plan for your life. It may involve being in love again but it’s on His time, not ours. I lost 4 babies- 3 miscarriages and a daughter born at 20 weeks. I was DESPERATE and seriously DEPRESSED saying the exact same things as you are except about a baby rather than a man. I cannot understand why or what God wanted me to teach me thru my losses but he ended up blessing me with 2 biological children, 1 adopted child, and 2 step”children” (teenagers now) I agree with Linda- even though you have to be careful, there are many christian online dating sites now- it doesn’t hurt to check them out, you never know what good man God may bring into your life 🙂
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I am SO sorry to hear about your loss Elizabeth. Wow that is just heartbreaking. You are a true testimony to being a survivor. Thanks so much for sharing this. Your strength is inspiring!

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Adelyn June 20, 2012 at 11:49 am

What continues to strike me is how much personal growth you are having. To feel emotions rather than stuff them in or eat them or whatever. You are claiming the victory. I love that you will cry out to God in these situations…yes, he knows…but he asks that we come to him in all things. And that we share the desires of our hearts.

So good for you that you share that. Letting it out is much better than keeping it in. Feel what you feel–have the desires that you have. I hate that you heart is breaking…you are in one of the toughest spots possible.

Please also try to remember than in all the pain there is victory. Often so very hard to find, but it is there too. hugs. And definitely continued prayers.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Adelyn,
Thanks so much and you are right! Feeling things rather than stuffing them is hard work. It can be depressing and rough but it’s just like a wave we ride out. Thankfully I don’t feel this way often. It’s just the perfect storm at the moment of the environment and situation I’m in to push me into this kind of mindset. But like you said focusing on what I need to and processing things instead of eating them is the way to handle it productively instead of destructively. You are so insightful and wise!!!

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Amanda June 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm

You won’t be alone. Your journey to getting healthy has you out and about and doing things and actively participating in your life again. You’ll meet someone when the time is right…when you have the energy to put yourself into a relationship and yes…right now I’m sure you feel very much alone and it would be a lot easier if you had someone there to cry to. But please trust that people as good hearted as yourself and people with real kindness in their souls never “end up” alone. It’ll be OK.

Praying for you.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Aw thanks Amanda!! Next time I have a pity party I’m inviting you b/c you know just what to say to shake me out of it!! You’re awesome!

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Heather June 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm

This is not the right time for a man in your life. He will come when the time is right. In the meantime, lean on the only man who will always be with you.

It may be one of the hardest decisions ever made but you may need to consider taking Nana off the ventilator. Don’t be selfish about keeping her alive. I totally understand … I work in health care. The bottom line is …. what would she want. What is your heart saying? These are difficult times for you but you will survive them with God’s help.

God Bless!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Thanks Heather for the feedback. Working in health care must be so difficult. I admire everyone in that field more now than ever. You are right that these end of life decisions are very very tough and Nana has her wishes in writing which the hospital has to follow. The decision is not mine to make so I have no control in that area. All I can do is try my best to be supportive and hopefully let her know she’s not alone. It’s hard to see what is involved though especially the suffering and has made me think very hard about the decisions I would make for myself.

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Trish @I_am_Succeeding June 20, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I am keeping you and your family in my prayers Holly. I just cannot imagine how hard this must be for you.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Thanks Trish!

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Lynne June 20, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Loneliness is a terrible feeling. I’m sorry you feel lonely. I think God will send someone your way when the time is right! He’ll know. Just keep doing what you’re doing – living life – and that special someone will find his way to you. You’re really special and God’s not going to let you get away from the right guy:)
It’s not a ‘pity party’ – it’s expressing emotions…it’s so hard for some of us to accept that it’s OK to feel things rather than stuff them with food. Feeling is living – even if it doesn’t always feel good.
Blessings to you and Nana as you shepherd her through this time.
Peace, Lynne.
PS – Thanks for all of your honest writing. I don’t have a blog myself, so writing replies is a little outlet for me:)

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Thanks Lynne for your feedback. I’m so glad to have people here who understand that processing my feelings is one of the biggest parts of staying on track with weight loss. In the past I would not allow myself to feel these things. I would just eat a Big Mac instead! Now I have to feel things and process them. And I’m glad I have wonderful people like you taking the time to reply. It helps me so much!

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Wendie June 20, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I offer my virtual shoulder for you to cry upon…because we are here and we are reading your words. I wish I could help you more (I truly understand) but know that my thoughts & prayers go out to you & your Nana. May she find peace & comfort!!
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Oh thanks Wendie!!!!

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Carrie June 20, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Please know you’ve got lots and lots of love being sent your way and plenty of us are praying for your strength.

Nana’s are special. Very, very special and I’m keeping you and yours in my heart.

Hang in there…that rainbow is coming.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Thanks Carrie!

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Dawn June 20, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Your Nana has lived a long full life and you should feel happy that she was able to live for so much longer than many people in our lives. What an awesome gift that God has given her and your family? Your reference to the “partridge in a pear tree” reminded me of the meaning of the song. So always remember that you are NEVER alone my friend…
1. The partridge in a pear tree is Jesus.
2. The two turtledoves are the Old and New Testaments.
3. Three French hens stand for faith, hope and love.
4. The four calling birds are the four Gospels.
5. The five gold rings recall the Hebrew Torah (Law), or the Pentateuch, the first five books of the Old Testament.
6. The six geese a-laying stand for the six days of creation.
7. The seven swans a-swimming represent the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit.
8. The eight maids a-milking are the eight Beatitudes.
9. Nine ladies dancing are the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit.
10. The ten lords a-leaping are the Ten Commandments.
11. Eleven pipers piping represent the eleven faithful Apostles.
12. Twelve drummers drumming symbolize the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostles Creed.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Dawn!! I have never ever heard this before! This is SO SO SO cool. You have no idea. I just absolutely love that you left me this information. When I wrote that the other day about the partridge in the pear tree it just kind of rolled out. But with this new information, it means I was actually writing that I have Jesus too! HOW COOL! God just used you to speak straight into my situation. Thank you!

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The Brown Recluse June 20, 2012 at 5:29 pm

One thing that I really love about your blog is how, in the face of all the adversity, you are able to find the positive, your strength in our Lord. You word it so well…I love the HOPE that comes through in your words.

My daughter is divorced with four children. I watch her struggle, and I know that you much go through much the same thing. I believe with all my heart that there is a man for her, who will love her as God intends, and love her children as his own. I believe the same thing for you. I know it is all in God’s timing, for whatever reasons the delay…he does have a divine schedule.

God, as you already know, will walk though this trial with you, and He’ll carry you when it’s needed. I, and so many others, will be praying for you during this chapter in your life, and as I tell my daughter, you will be OK. The sun WILL shine again.

I wrote a poem sometime ago…often I am hesitant to share my stuff, not knowing what people will think, but I figure if you find a little comfort in the words, perhaps I should share.

The Hope in a Tree

Our lives, my friends, are like the mighty tree,
Standing study and strong against the wind.
Limbs and leaves are like you and me,
We must sometimes learn to bend.
When storms of life come rolling about,
Feeling battered and bruised we stand.
Though life is filled with turmoil and doubt,
We must hold to God’s firm hand.

For the mighty tree, when storms cause aches,
Is never like the slender reed.
The tree won’t bend, so therefore breaks
And a fractured heart will bleed.
The storms of life can shatter a soul
Like the tree ravaged by the wind,
Yield like the reed to the intense flow,
And hold to the hand of a Friend.

When I consider the mighty oak
Toppled by the wind,
It wouldn’t bow, that’s why it broke,
I cry for the loss of a friend.
Weather-beaten by storms, I’m tried,
And often feel life’s broken me
But hope is found, for Jesus died
Hanging on a splintered tree.

~Margaret
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Margaret,
This is beautiful!! Absolutely beautiful! Thank you SO SO much for this. I consider it a gift. You have a talent for writing and more than that your words bring so much comfort and joy. Thank you SO much!! I can’t tell you what a smile this put on my face and how much it made my day.

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Nikki Mohamed June 20, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Hey, Holly.
I didn’t read through all of the other comments because I’ve been on the computer for an exorbitant amount of time already. But I’ve been praying all week for you. Mainly, I’ve been asking God to bless you with patience.
Because that is what we need in order to succeed in our struggles that God, the Most Merciful, blesses us with daily. Yes, I said that. He BLESSES us with daily struggles. I know that you are a woman of faith. I, too, am a woman of faith albeit our faiths are different. I believe with all my heart that these daily struggles, big and small, are blessings from God because how we face and overcome these struggles with patience and belief that GOD’s will always prevails, no matter our desired outcome….THIS will provide us with countless blessings from Him. Also, without these losses, hardships and struggles we have no way to appreciate the bountiful blessings that are to our liking, our successes, our love that we give and receive from our children, friends, loved ones. So if God heals your grandmother, thank Him for the gift of health. And if God, the Most Merciful, the Most Compassionate, takes her from this life, thank Him for that gift of mercy. Praise Him in all things. And you will be blessed.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Thanks Nikki. These are words of wisdom and I will be rereading them again!! I appreciate it!

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Angie Mizzell June 20, 2012 at 7:28 pm

This post reminded me of going through a particularly lonely time. I listened to Annie Lennox’s album Bare a lot during that time. And this song in particular. I wanted you to know “I know what you feel.” I’m sure a lot of us do. You’re not alone in that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPMoUUvd64o

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 20, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Thanks Angie! And thanks for the link. I’d never heard that song before and I really appreciate you linking it for me!
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Bill Dameron June 21, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Holly, Hang on and wait for the ONE. God knows, I waited a long, long time and when I found him? Blessings have been heaped upon me time and time again. I know how tough it is to be alone, but you have a lot of people out here thinking about you and pulling for you.
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Banded with Favor June 22, 2012 at 3:53 am

Jeremiah 29:11…. This hangs on my wall because I need to be reminded of it daily!!! ” for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”….. What an amazing future God has for you too!!! (((hugs)))
Kristin

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Gail June 22, 2012 at 9:27 pm

I hope your family gets well soon, all the best to you and your nan.
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