June 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

This has been one crazy week

My grandmother (who I call Nana) became sick

She’s been in ICU for over 2 weeks

My brother, Lee, flew out to Florida to be by Nana’s side during this time

And he was calling me with updates on her condition

Suddenly I was taken back in time to a year and a half ago

When Lee called to tell me Mom had a heart attack

And she was in ICU

Only I couldn’t do a thing

Because I weighed 417 pounds

I couldn’t get on a plane and fly to her side

Because I couldn’t fit in the seat

I could barely walk across the room

She died 3 days later

As I sat on my couch—helpless, guilty, depressed

And ENGRAGED that I lived inside a physical prison

That kept me from going to my Mother’s side when she needed me

My mother had always been there for me

But I was unable to be there for her

That experience solidified in my mind that something had to change

And 6 months later I had weight loss surgery

Since then I’ve lost 162 pounds

And when Lee had to go back to work

He called and asked me if I could come out to Florida to be with Nana

And this time

I was able to say YES

Because THIS time I was pretty sure I would fit on the plane

A wonderful friend offered to watch my 4 beautiful children for me

And of course there is also my oldest daughter, Savannah, who has always been (unfortunately for her) like a second parent to the children and wise beyond her years

That’s just what happens when your Dad walks out the door when you’re in the 5th grade

And you’re the oldest of four

You end up being 16 going on 35




I haven’t flown in 12 years

So here I am waiting for the taxi to come pick me up at 5 AM


And here I am IN the taxi

That means I actually FIT in a taxi

Trust me—that IS new


And here is the picture I took FROM MY CHAIR on the plane..that I FIT IN!!


And here I am sitting my plane seat!

Excuse the face shots but I had no one to take the picture and didn’t manage to work up the nerve to get someone else to do it.  Maybe on the way back!

Never mind the goofy smirk on my face.  I’m about to have a panic attack because I haven’t flown in 12 years and super bad timing at watching the entire season of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” on Netflix the week before!

If you’re going to fly on a plane, do NOT watch that show before you go!


And here I am with my Nana


So exactly 18 months ago I was 417 pounds and unable to fly to my mother’s side

Even as she lay dying

Even though she would have climbed the highest mountain for me

And sadly, for me, nothing I ever do can change that

But mercy and grace has given me the ability to live with it

And today no longer looks like yesterday

Because now I can fit in a cab

And a plane

And when someone needs me

I can do more than sit on a couch

And cry

Because I am trapped in a body 5 sizes too big

It’s bittersweet of course

Because my Nana is so sick

And watching her suffer like this

Makes me feel helpless in a very different way

But at least I’m here


And sometimes in life, that’s all we can do

Just show up

When we’re needed

And now I can

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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Brenda June 17, 2012 at 12:52 am

Oh, how I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am glad to got the chance to be with your Nana.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 17, 2012 at 1:06 am

Thanks Brenda!


Mari June 17, 2012 at 12:55 am

What a reinforcement to why you are doing what you’re doing. Good for you!
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 17, 2012 at 1:06 am

Thanks Mari!


Dawn June 17, 2012 at 12:58 am

I can relate very much to this story. Flying before WLS was very embarrassing. I don’t know how the airlines managed to do it but they ALWAYS stuck me next to the biggest jerk on the plane. The one who would look at me and roll their eyes before sitting down and then literally jump out of their seat when another seat opened up so “i could have more room”. I am so happy for you because I know exactly how you feel and it only gets better. YAY!!! I am also praying for your Nana.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 17, 2012 at 1:05 am

Thanks Dawn! And I SO appreciate the prayers !


Holly June 17, 2012 at 1:08 am

I’m so sorry to hear your nana is sick. 🙁 Many good thoughts headed your way and hers. I am so glad you were able to be with her! That’s wonderful and has to feel so good. 🙂 Keep up the good work!
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Adelyn June 17, 2012 at 1:08 am

Holly, I am so thrilled for you at your ability to be present for family that needs you. I am equally compassionate for you and the tough time your family is having.

Prayers for you, your nana, your kids, brother….
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Leigh Costa June 17, 2012 at 1:13 am

Yay for having a successful plane journey. However, sincere apologies for you Nana being sick. SO sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. Prayers to your family:)


Sheila June 17, 2012 at 1:16 am

Sending prayers for your Nana. So glad you can be there for her. Hugs Holly!
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Katie June 17, 2012 at 2:00 am

I have wondered where you have been!! I’ve been checking your blog. I am sorry to hear about your grandma. She and you will be in my prayers and thoughts.


Trisha June 17, 2012 at 2:10 am

so sorry about your nana holly… I pray that God’s will be done… hugs


tz June 17, 2012 at 3:26 am

so glad you could make it to be with your Nana….and that you have friends that are able to take care of your kids so that you can. Prayers sent out to you and your family.
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Kelly @CurvyFitGirl June 17, 2012 at 4:15 am

Holly, First, I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. 🙁 But I am so glad to hear that you are able to be with her at her bedside, and take a taxi and fly and do all the things that any other family member would’ve done when they have an ill family member in the hospital. Best wishes to you and your family.
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Nikki Mohamed June 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Praying for your Nana’s health and for God to grant you and Lee the patience to endure through this trying time. I’m so happy that you get to be by her side and say all the things you need to say to her. And I’m excited and proud for you on the weight loss and continued success at being able to reclaim the things in life that so many take for granted (i.e., riding in a taxi, taking a last minute flight, etc.) You are an inspiration. And I’m sure your Nana knows this and appreciates your coming to her.
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Linda Kuil June 17, 2012 at 2:10 pm

All you can do is be by her side and pray, which is the BEST thing you CAN do! God Bless your Nana and your family.


Wendie June 17, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I am so sorry about your Nana, I just lost mine a few weeks ago! I hope she is as comfortable as can be.
But I also want to say congratulations on all the accomplishments! I understand, I’ve always carried my weight in my legs & butt and struggle with fitting everywhere. Just yesterday it was a stupid green lawn chair, but I will get there too! Gotta keep the faith!
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DebbyH June 17, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Prayers!!! And what an amazing gift for you to give her! Your presence!!
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Staci June 17, 2012 at 7:55 pm

I am so proud for you, Holly, that you can be there for your Nana and help your heart heal a little. Your mom is so proud of you right now.
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KateRN June 17, 2012 at 8:53 pm

You rock! And I know that your mom is looking down on you and is SO PROUD of you!! <3 I'm so happy for you. I remember when I went on a plane for the first time in November and I was very emotional about being able to fit without a seatbelt extender. Then again in February when I could actually pull the seatbelt tighter! BIG accomplishment! I hope your Nana is okay <3
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Trish @I_am_Succeeding June 17, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Hi Holly…prayers are with you and your family for whatever lies ahead of you and I am soooo glad you are able to be by your Nana’s side.

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suzanne June 17, 2012 at 11:12 pm

I’m so sorry to hear about your nana! I just want to give you a big “hug”!!
Getting on a plane after so long not being able to I’m just so proud you did it!
There is nothing that can keep you back.
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Mercy June 18, 2012 at 1:54 am

That must have been a wonderful feeling, fitting in all those seats. I hope things go well with your nana.
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darlene June 18, 2012 at 2:16 am

I was wondering if everything was ok cause you havent blogged! Praying for your nana! I’m sure this is a dificult time for you, but so happy you are ok & were able to go see her! I told you, you ARE missed when you are not here!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 18, 2012 at 2:52 am

Thanks Darlene!! That was so sweet of you to say! I’ve missed reading everyone’s blogs too! I have no wifi in the hospital!


Amanda June 18, 2012 at 1:00 pm

I’m glad you’re able to be with her. She and your family will be in my prayers.
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Banded with Favor June 22, 2012 at 3:24 am

Holly, in my business, I have missed your blog… Always love your posts… Such HUGH NSV’s!!!!! I so know the fear of getting on a plane and freaking out about the seat?? I flew in Oct 1 week before my band consultation and was terrified that at 325 pounds I was going to need a seatbelt expander!!! I did not but let me tell you, those are real fears and to overcome them is FABULOUS! Good for you and hope Nana is doing better….xoxo


Andrea June 30, 2012 at 10:38 pm

I’m so sorry about your Nana, Holly! I’m so glad you were able to fly and go see her!
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Gen November 3, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Yeah for the flying!!!
But boo for the reason why you did. 🙁
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