I see her everywhere

May 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

I see her

Everywhere

When I took Annabelle to the Emergency Room

A nurse came in the room

And she was nice

Really sweet

She had a way of explaining things to Annabelle

The Cat Scan

The IV

The procedure they might have to do to her throat

She just explained it in a way that she no longer was scared

Because cutting the inside of someone’s throat is scary

But this nurse had a way with words

A way of calming you

And she reminded me of my mother

So when she walked out of the room

I wanted to stalk her

But instead I just scooted my chair over

So I could see her where she was standing

Because something about her reminded me of my mom

And I miss her

Today I was at Starbucks

And I was looking down at my laptop

When someone sat down next to me

And out of the corner of my eye

I saw her shoes

And I thought

Those belong to Mom

When I looked up

I saw a woman

Who could have been my Mom

Her age

Her hair

Even her pants

But it wasn’t her

Yet somehow I wanted to say to that woman

“Can you hug me?”

“Can I just close my eyes and pretend you’re her?”

But I didn’t

I just sat there wondering

How long it will be before I have to get up and go to the restroom

To cry

At Walmart

I saw this woman

From behind she had her hair

Even a blouse she would wear

Sometimes it makes me happy

But other times it makes me sad

When I see her

In others

I wonder if this happens to anyone else

Or if it’s just me

I miss her so much

I need to talk to her

Sometimes it makes me so angry I don’t know what to do

Because it was Mother’s Day recently

And I have no mother

No need to buy a card

Or flowers

Or a present

It’s odd how before I was always racing to get that done by the deadline

And yet now

A month in advance I remember it

No problem now

No trouble remembering those dates

Why not before?

When she was here?

Oh I always did something

But at times it seemed a chore

Why?

Not anymore

I want to buy a card

I stand in the aisle and watch other people

And think

That’s not me

I don’t have a Mom

I look at some of the people buying cards

They have grey hair

They’re in their 50’s

I am 39

Why do they still have a Mom

And i don’t?

It’s not fair

Not that I wish them any ill will

I just wonder

WHY

But then I remember what my Mom would say to me

She would probably even laugh

And say “Come on Holly…Please..You know I’m where I want to be”

“Don’t you even try to drag me back there”

And I know that

Because she was sick

And now she’s healed

But she also would say

It’s ok, Holly

Have your moment.  Have your pity party

But when you’re done

Get back up and get back to work

So that’s what I’ll do

But for now

I’ll cry

photo.JPG

 

 

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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Sasha May 24, 2012 at 6:00 am

Oh Holly, this is EXACTLY what I’m going through presently. I miss my Mom so very much and wish she could be a part of my weightless journey. I would give anything for a hug or to hear her kind, encouraging and sometimes too-honest-for-me-to-handle words. But for now I’ll just have to feel her hand on mine hear her say, ” Don’t worry honey, everything is going to be okay.”

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Joyce May 24, 2012 at 10:19 am

No, definitly not just you. My mom passed when I was 20, that was 26 years ago…..tomorrow actually. I was the same way. I walked into a church one time and there was this woman, from the back, JUST like my mother. Same height, same hair. My heart leaped, then sank. I picked up the phone numerous times to call her…then remember. My son never got the chance to meet her (he just turn 20 this past Tuesday), but it was my goal to make him feel like he knew her. One day, we were just riding along and he said, “You know who I look forward to meeting when I get to heaven….beside Jesus of course” (I was thinking of all these famous people, or different ones in the bible), he said, “Your mom.” Wow!!! So I succeded in my goal. I told him so much about her, that he looks forward to meeting her. Not sure how that will actually work in heaven, but it doesn’t matter, I am just thankful that he feels that way. Time really does help, but I still have moments. When I go thru difficult times, I close my eyes and pretend I am laying with my head in her lap and she is stroking my hair like she did when I was little.

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Linda Kuil May 24, 2012 at 10:25 am

HUGS to you Holly!

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Jacquie Spudis May 24, 2012 at 11:04 am

Your posts always touch me Holly. I feel the same way about Fathers Day. My dad was 80 when he died and I’m still asking WHY? No man was more filled with LIFE. When I cry, the only thing that brings me a tiny sense of joy is that he was 80 when he died and he died doing what he loved. So many of us should be so lucky right? He wasn’t sick a day in his life and he was 80 when he died.

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Sandy May 24, 2012 at 11:21 am

It happens to me all the time. But not always a person, a thing usually reminds me of my mom or dad. The date 11/11 or the time 11:11 since she was born on November 11th. The day we were burying my dad, I was positive I saw him driving the car beside me and at that moment the sun came out after hours of rain. Makes you wonder sometimes. I think the hardest is for those who are young to lose a parent. I was 55 when my mom died, but she had been in a nursing home since I was 33. When I read your thoughts about your mom, it saddens me that I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my mom in her last few years. Embrace that you did because there are many others with regrets. But I do know that when someone dies, they live on in our hearts. All your sightings are your heart letting you know they are still here with you.
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jennifer May 24, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Holly, NOT JUST YOU! You could be describing my experience. I think our moms passed around the same time and I am 41. For mothers day this year, my daughter and I made some gifts for a few live in residents at a nearby retirement village, and some long term care patients who have dementia. We just made them and dropped them off. 96 of them! It was nice to do something for mothers who maybe had no daughters, I thought. It was fun and my mom would have approved. I love the idea too of leaving anonymmous flowers somewhere, knowing that the right person will get them, etc. You get the idea. Our moms are as you know, right there all the time, but I do understand too well, the wanting to talk to her, every day!!!
I did a post of our mothers day project
http://thewayofthewoo.blogspot.com/
check it out
Blessings, and happy belated moms day to you.

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Kelliann May 24, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Holly, I teared up reading this. I still have my mom and I am so grateful, but I lost my grandmother a few years ago. We were SO close, and I know exactly what you mean by seeing her everywhere.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Sending you love and healing thoughts
Kelliann
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Staci May 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I’m not at the point in my life where I can relate with you on this, so I’ll leave the words for those who can because someone who has been through what you have will know more of what to say. Amazing how we can use our hurts to comfort others in their time of hurt. (((hugs)))
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Amanda May 24, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I’m not your mom but ((HUGS))
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Theresa May 24, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Holly, I’m so sorry for your pain. My mom has been gone 35 years and I still miss her. But it’s not that sharp kind of pain anymore. I’m 49, so I was just a girl when I lost my parents. Sometimes the moments that strike me the most are those when I’m with my own children and I think of how lucky I am to be healthy and still here with them. And then I think of how my poor mother must have felt knowing that she was leaving her children. It’s hard, but it does get easier. Sending hugs your way!

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Mina May 24, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I feel the same way, I lost my mom last year. She was only 50. She died three weeks after she was diagnosed with cancer. What hurts the most is her not being around to see my son grow up, he was 6 months old when she passed. She was SO excited to have a grandchild. It hurts that I don’t have my mom or father in my life, and most of my friends have both. I feel kind of lost sometimes.
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WishfulShrinking May 24, 2012 at 5:07 pm

I needed to hear this message. I was busy on Mothers Day so I didn’t call my Mom. So I week later I was dropping my hubby off at the airport for a business trip. My son and I stopped with a card and a plant. I apologized for being a week late. I have a very rocky relationship with my Mother. I know she feesl afraid of my raw emotions. She enternalizes all of my emotions to be a reflection of what I feel about her. I need to figure out how to speak her love language so that she can enternalize that no matter what I feel I love her to her very core. I am so good at making sure my son knows this why is it so hard for me to turn around and say it to the one that gave it to me. I promise I will never be a week late with it again. Thank you for helping me be grateful for what I’ve got!
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Tess May 24, 2012 at 5:09 pm

As others have said, it’s not just you. I lost my dad almost 14 years ago, when I was 24 and he was 45. I held him in my arms when he died of cancer. I miss him every. single. day. My uncle looks exactly like him, and although I am grateful for my uncle in so many ways, some days it’s just too much to look at him and see Dad. So no, it’s not just you seeing things that aren’t there. But I will say, I think your mom and my dad ARE still here…in the woman with the shoes just like your mom’s, in the nurse that was so kind…she’s there in them for you to see. ((hugs)) to you, dear!

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Nikki Mohamed May 24, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Holly, I’m gonna say something that may sound mean or odd….but I don’t mean it in either of those ways: I’m GLAD that you miss your mom.
Because that means that you had a good relationship with your mom…that she loved you as much as you loved her….and probably didn’t put a lot of conditions upon you in order that you have that love from her. Some of us who have mothers who are still alive sometimes wonder, “Will I miss her when she’s gone?” Sadly, I wonder this. I’ve spent my whole adult life being jealous of people like you who have a relationship with their mother that doesn’t feel like a lifetime of argument interrupted by an occasional hug. I love my mother. I know she loves me as best she can. I wish we could have more than that…but we can’t.

I’m GLAD that you did.
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Faith May 24, 2012 at 8:09 pm

As weird as this sounds..if I could trade places in this area..I would because you and your mom love(d) each other so much. I hear the pain and heartache in your words and it makes me sad for you. I hope that you dream of her tonight and that she wraps her arms around you and tells you what a wonderful woman you are. Much love.

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Ronda May 24, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I remember about a year after my mom died, my kids and I were waiting in the car while my husband ran into a store to pick up something. There was a lady sitting in the car next to us and I kept thinking to myself “Wow, that looks like what my Mom would have looked like in 10 years if she had lived”. It was uncanny, she looked so much like my Mom. I kept my thoughts to myself, and about a minute later, my 4 year old said “Mom, doesn’t that lady look just like Mema?!”. I just about died, and of course cried silently.
Maybe this is your moms way of letting you know she is always with you.
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Trish @I_am_Succeeding May 24, 2012 at 10:51 pm

{{HUGS!!!!}}}
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Trishajo May 25, 2012 at 3:03 am

I just want you to know Holly… that you are such an inspiration for me. When I want to get back into my “pity party” phase I think of YOU. And what YOU’VE been through and SURVIVED and you’re STILL HERE to tell your story!!! I tell all my friends about you. How when I get down and wonder where my place is in life after all this mess, that I “have this friend Holly… and this is what SHE’S survived and come out swingin'”…. I hope you know everyday the impact you have on people you don’t even know…. <3 love and hugs….

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down May 25, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Wow Trish!! That is seriously the sweetest thing! Thank you so much for saying that and I’m honored to count you as my friend!!

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MichelleH May 25, 2012 at 5:20 am

Holly–you aren’t alone. I feel that way all the time. I lost my mother in October and I miss her something terrible. I know that she made the push to make the sleeve become a reality for me, I feel it to the depths of my soul. My girls spent a lot of time with my mother and I see so much of her in them–how protective she was of her family, her playfulness, her kindness, and her compassion. My girls have both achieved some pretty major milestones since my mother left this earth and when the tears flow with pride, there are some tears there for wishing my mom was here to enjoy their successes, but then I know, she is here, her spirit has never left us and I know she is checking in on all of us all of the time. God bless you and thank you for your wonderful words of inspiration and courage.

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Margene May 25, 2012 at 6:22 pm

I so relate to this post Holly. I personally know that heartache of missing your mom and wishing you could buy a card on Mother’s Day for her. I have felt that sting when I see all my friends and people around me call their mothers or talk about taking their kids to grandmas house and I don’t have that – on either side, both mom’s are in heaven. I too, throw myself that pity party. Dang, it’s hard. Dang, it totally sucks! Almost every day I wish I could talk to her. Many times I see someone that reminds me of her. So this post really hits close to home.

I some ways it’s forced to turn to God more, which is a good thing. He understands. But it’s still hard.

I hope I can cherish the time I have on this earth and be here for my children. I do not want them to suffer the loss of their mother. As I’m sure you don’t want that for your kids, either. Because it sucks! But maybe it makes us value things differently than we other wise would have. Value what we DO have, value family and friends a little more. Take on that new perspective born from the grief and sorrow of loss.

Thanks for sharing and I hope you find those moments of clarity and peace which do come.

(((Hugs)))
~Margene
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Kelly @CurvyFitGirl May 25, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Holly, if I were there right now, I’d give you a great big bear hug!

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Beth May 26, 2012 at 4:51 am

Holly,

I’m new to your blog but wanted to let you know how much this post resonated with me. I lost my Dad a year and nine months ago and have many of the same feelings. It hurts to see the Father’s Day displays.

You’ve accomplished so much and are such an inspiration. I know your Mom would be very proud of you!

Beth

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Sheila May 26, 2012 at 4:59 pm

I can’t even imagine a world without my mom in it, and you have to live in that world. And I’m so sorry.

I think the times you see her in people she must be talking about you up in heaven and sharing funny stories or good times you guys have had together. And it’s Gods way of bringing you into the conversation. 🙂
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Christie May 26, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Oh Holly. I cried through the whole thing and all the comments too. I lost my mom in August and I was just 28 years old. This was my first motherless Mother’s Day and it was so hard. I tried to focus on giving my grandma a nice Mother’s Day but it is nowhere near the same. I miss my mom so fiercely. I think all the time about how I will have children who never got to know her. It’s still going to be a few years until I have any. I also see her in people all the time. Recently a woman in an aqua aerobics class I took looked SO much like my mom 20 years ago. I wanted to hug her, or cry, or scream… something. Sometimes someone’s mannerisms, or speech, or just their energy will remind me of her. Many months have gone by and sometimes it is still so fresh. Just last night on a long drive I couldn’t get the night she died out of my mind. I want to be able to see her and tell her how much I love her. I couldn’t be in the room when they were trying to save her life but I wish I could go back and force my way in or at least scream MOM I’M HERE AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!! I don’t know why I didn’t scream it so she would know.
I also have a friend who reminds me a lot of my mom in a lot of ways. In some ways it makes me happy, and it other ways it’s so hard to take.
Then there’s my own face in the mirror, that sometimes looks so much like her. Sometimes I think her eyes are looking back at me when I apply my makeup. It makes me so happy that I look like her and that I remind other people of her… yet it makes me miss her so much more.

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Andrea May 27, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Sending you huge hugs. Thinking of you and hope you are well.
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rey May 28, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Holly, I’ll be your mother. . .

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Barbara August 28, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Holly, you have such an awesome gift of expressing your thoughts and feelings in your writings and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing them. 🙂

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Gen November 3, 2012 at 8:19 pm

One day, not too long after hubby’s grandpa passed, I was at work. I looked up and out the front window and saw this man. A man I would have sworn was his grandpa. The same build; the same hair cut…it was eerie. Instead of being creeped out, I smiled. I turned and did other work, so no clue what he did or where he went after he was done. When I got home, I told hubby about it. I told him something I believed then and still do: God brought this man into my field of vision in order to let hubby know (through me…it was easier for me I think) that grandpa was okay.
There are times when I have walked through store aisles with no one around yet have smelled random smells from my now-deceased aunt’s house. The smells finally bring a smile to my face instead of tears. I think those little things are God’s way of telling us that our loved ones are okay and still love us.
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