Life Without Food

April 11, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Don’t you just get sick of hearing me whine?

And cry about the past?

I do.

But I’m learning someting.

It’s a different life without a box of hostess cupcakes

Or twinkies

Or a meximelt and a burrito supreme from Taco Bell

With Nachos Bell Grande on the side

And the milkshake from Arby’s

And the Big Mac from McDonald’s

And the Whopper from Burger King

You see when I had all those things I was quiet

I didn’t whine or cry about the past

I didn’t even really think about those things actually

Because I was too busy eating

So who cares about all that other stuff

Especially when you have a whole box of Krispy Kreme Donuts

Fresh, warm, glazed

I mean really….

Do you think I cared that my husband was off with some other woman when I had a big box of warm glazed donuts from Krispy Kreme to comfort me?

Strung out on a sugar high

It’s legal. It’s available.  And it’s everywhere.

Except for now.

No now it’s not here

It’s gone

Gone because I don’t buy it anymore

Gone because I choose not to indulge

And so here I am without it

And because of that I can feel things again

And even though it’s been 6 years since he left me

I’m just now starting to feel certain things about that situation

And about my Mom dying

And then there’s life

Just everyday life

That person who cut me off in traffic

yeah I have to deal with that without the 3 pound bag of M and M’s that used to sit in the tray where a bottle of water now lives

I’ve been alive 39 years and in that time I have never ever dealt with my life BARE

Without medicating it with food

Panic.  Anxiety.

That’s what i feel

And I’m learning to JUST FEEL IT

JUST FEEL IT

Feel the feelings

Let them be there

Let them exist

Because no matter how much they hurt

They won’t kill you

It’s not fun. It hurts. It stings

But feeling them is what needs to happen

Because then you can process it

And move on

Without the denial and the extra 300 Pounds

It’s weird to do life without food

VERY WEIRD

But worth it

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Trish @I_am_Succeeding April 12, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Yes feeling the feelings are hard!

Have you heard of a book called “Eat It Up!”? I read the first 2 chapters and know I am going to be buying it!

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Tess April 12, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Oh boy, do I know how you’re feeling!! FEELING!! It’s so weird it’s foreign. But doesn’t it feel good to feel sometimes, too? Good feelings feel better now, don’t they?! Good for you for feeling!! 😀

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Kristin April 13, 2012 at 2:45 am

Holly, I am so proud of you for allowing yourself to feel…the raw, uncensored, deep dark, and real feelings of life can cause so much pain…but that pain and how we grow from it makes us better people…like prunning the rose bush, you have to cut it back to nothing and it looks ugly and like brown bark…grosss…but in a couple weeks those beautiful, colorful, fragrant smelling flowers are back and more glorious then ever!!! Think of this time as your prunning….I know I can already see those buds starting to form, can you imagine how glorious you’ll be when your in full bloom??? So exciting!!;)….P.S. Nice new blog look!!

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Staci April 13, 2012 at 2:48 am

And it’s definitely addictive!!! I’m glad to hear you whine. Makes me feel not so alone in my own personal whining. 😉

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Linda Kuil April 13, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Wish I could stop using my crutch…

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Kelliann April 13, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Feelings SUCK sometimes. And I hear you when you say it’s worth it – but in the midst of panic, fear, rage, sadness, even joy, it’s hard to see the “worth”. That’s where I am right now. Love your posts as always.

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Amanda April 13, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Mmmm…krispy kreme…thanks for that. LOL. The emotional overeating surprised me. I never thought I was an emotional eater until I started my healthier lifestyle. I realize now that I used to do it ALL THE TIME.

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me April 15, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I sooooo get this!!!!!

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J. Fabulous April 21, 2012 at 7:02 pm

No. It is no fun. Two months out of surgery and I’m starting to notice that…profound depression and lonliness. I’m not sure how to deal with it.
J. Fabulous recently posted..LonelyMy Profile

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Elyse December 28, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Wow, what a deep and moving post. I think you hit on why I have a fear of losing weight. You are an inspiration. Sending you hugs.
Elyse recently posted..Fitness Friday: My Plan for 2013My Profile

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Fran February 19, 2013 at 9:32 pm

Yes, I wish I could say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would never medicate with food, but I don’t know if I can say that. I only know I have not done it today and I can concentrate on making it the rest of the day. Feelings do pass when we allow ourselves to feel them. Thanks for the encouragement that it can be done.

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