A trip to the ER

April 30, 2012 in Uncategorized

By the time I weighed 417 pounds, I worried a lot about what would happen

If I lost one of my children in a playland

Because I couldn’t go after them

I could barely get off the bench

And the emergency room?

What if I had to move quickly to get one of them there?

You don’t move quickly at 417

If you move at all

But yesterday  Annabelle’s tonsils became so swollen she could barely swallow

I had to take her to the ER

And it didn’t matter that we had to park far away

And I had to walk that long walk to the entrance

Because this is what all those long walks in the rain were for

For this moment

When it really mattered

So we walked in

She slumped into the chair burying her head in her hands

And I stood in the line to check us in

The LONG line

30 minutes of standing

I could never have done that before

An hour of sitting in the waiting room

In a chair I never could have fit in 10 months ago

When I was 150 pounds heavier

They said she needed a CAT Scan

But their machine in the ER was broken

So we had to use the one in the main hospital

Which was on the OPPOSITE side of this building

The nurse said we had trauma patients ahead of us

And we would wait for the call

For them to tell us they had space

But the nurse said “When that happens, we have to boogie”

Boogie, he said

Move fast

And then the call came

It was our turn

“Do you want to come with us, Mom?” the nurse says

My daughter looks at me frightened

She has never had a CAT scan before and she’s nervous

She is laying in the hospital bed that they are going to roll her down in

Untitled
“Mom, please come” as she reaches out her hand

The offer is on the table

I can be there for my daughter

But it involves running to the other side of the hospital

Because we have to ‘boogie’

To get our space in the CAT scan before another trauma patient arrives

My daughter knows what the answer was 10 months ago

But today our eyes lock

“I’m coming”, I say

My daughter smiles

She is in the hospital bed and the nurse begins to wheel her down the hallway

But we have to hurry they say

SO WE RUN

We race down the hallways, around the corners

Another hallway, another turn

Hallways that don’t have an end in sight

But there I was right beside her

Keeping pace with the nurse

Running through the halls

You know where I would have been 10 months ago?

Squeezed into a chair that I couldn’t really fit into

Watching someone whisk my daughter away

Knowing that I was ALLOWED to go with her

But that I couldn’t

I couldn’t because I was 417 pounds

And there was no way I could have walked

RAN to the other side with them

And knowing that what kept me from being there for her

WAS ME

My eating

My donuts

My candy

My Big Mac

That I had chosen THAT over this moment in time

But this time I was there

And I was not even out of breath

I could have run back down those hallways three more times if I had to

I was in the room with her

And I talked to her as she went in that ironically donut shaped CAT scan machine

“You’re doing great! I’m so proud of you!”, I said

On our way back, my daughter said

“Thanks Mom for being there.  I know it wasn’t easy”

What wasn’t easy, I wondered

Running down the halls?

So I ask her what she means by that

And her answer surprises me

“All the choices you’ve been making”, she says

You see–she’s 11

But she gets it

She doesn’t mean the race we just made from one side of the hospital to the other

She means the JOURNEY

The last 10 months

She means every single time I drove past a McDonald’s and didn’t turn in

Every time I wanted a Pepsi but drank water

She means the day I stood up off the couch and walked for 30 seconds

And then added 30 more seconds the next day

She knows it wasn’t easy

But she also knows it’s the only reason I could run beside her in that moment

Be there for her

How about that?

Last night I was the mother I always wanted to be

Present in the time of need

Able to get up and run if I had to

And that’s what makes this whole thing worth it

And Annabelle?

The Cat scan revealed no abcess in her throat!

So plenty of antibiotics and pain medication is the prescription

I think we’ll be on the mend

Just like I am on the mend

And our whole family is on the mend

And as Annabelle says “I know it wasn’t easy”

And she’s right

But it’s worth it

 

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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

suzanne April 30, 2012 at 10:57 pm

I’m so glad Annebelle (love the name) is going to be o.k!
🙂 We’ll both be on antibiotics at the same time.
Glad you were able to do what you wanted and needed to do. It only gets easier doesn’t it?
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Linda Sherwood April 30, 2012 at 11:37 pm

I’m glad you were able to be there for her! She is such an insightful little girl. I am thrilled she is recovering. 🙂
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Gi April 30, 2012 at 11:54 pm

WOW your posts always see to have a way of cutting straight to my heart! you are a amazing mother, I have had serious health issues in the past (2 kidney transplants) and throughout that experience, even though I was young at the time, my mother never seemed to have time to wait around with me or come in to a procedure room. The fact that you ran from one side of the hospital show not only how far you have come, but how much of a dedicated mother you are. I am so glad that you daughter is getting better.
xx
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Margene April 30, 2012 at 11:56 pm

That is a really cool story and it’s so neat that your daughter recognizes your efforts. That is a great example to her. It’s no about where we’ve been – it’s about where we’re going. It is a big deal to make those decisions even when it seems minor to others, it’s big to us. Way to go girl!!! Booya!!

God bless…
~Margene
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Faith May 1, 2012 at 12:24 am

Ahhh..*happy sigh*, first..I am so glad to hear that she does not have abscesses (I hope she feels better very quickly..she’s a trooper!). Just wanted to throw out before I continue, you might want to consider picking up a probiotic for her at your local health food store. I rarely put my kiddos on antibiotics but when I have to, I pick up a probiotic so that they have some good bacteria in them. 😀
Secondly, Im proud of you, Holly. 10 months, it has probably flown at times and been as slow as molasses at others, eh? But man…only 10 months ago from where you WERE to where you ARE…your hard work, perseverance and determination coupled with the love you have for your children and the love you are starting to show for yourself have brought you to HERE. 🙂 Much love.

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Jane May 1, 2012 at 1:04 am

Wow, Holly, your story just make me catch my breath! That was just beautiful. Glad Annebelle is on the mend and I’m so happy for you!

I know you were so sad that your knee has made it impossible for you to complete your 5K goal, but right now, look back at last night….You just ran your own marathon…and you kicked it’s ass! 🙂 and I noticed you lost another 7 lbs! Yay you!

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Lady Amanda May 1, 2012 at 1:17 am

So glad that Annabelle is doing better and that you could be there for her. That is sooo wonderful. Thinking about you guys and praying for a speedy recovery!

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Blog Wobble May 1, 2012 at 1:19 am

Your post made me cry. You have come so far on your journey, and I am proud of you.
I am glad Annabelle is on her way to getting better too.
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Mercy May 1, 2012 at 1:30 am

She’s very perceptive. Good to hear it was nothing serious.
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Julie May 1, 2012 at 2:22 am

Our children sometimes know more then we can imagine. They see and understand and just know sometimes.
Holly I love reading your posts. You teach so well.
Thank you for sharing your life with me. Blessings my friend!!!

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Steelers6 May 1, 2012 at 3:55 am

Cool story. So proud of you. I think you might be mulling that story over in your own mind the next time you are on the (dreaded-haha) elliptical machine. The elliptical is all part of the new you & now being that mother you always wanted to be! Hurray!

Just so exciting that you could do it without sweat pouring off of you, or losing your breath. I’m so proud!!

Thank you for sharing it with us.
Chrissy

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Staci May 1, 2012 at 4:15 am

I noticed you missing yesterday! Glad your baby is good. Can you even imagine life at 417 anymore? Girl, you have taken life BACK. You are LIVING. You can be a MOM. You go! 🙂
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Rae Rae J May 1, 2012 at 6:54 am

I am so glad to hear she’s okay, and so glad to read about your NSV!

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Linda Kuil May 1, 2012 at 10:51 am

God Bless you! I couldn’t imagine how it would have felt to watch her be wheeled away, and thankfully, YOU don’t know either! Glad Annabelle will be ok!
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Dawn May 1, 2012 at 11:37 am

This is a GREAT post, and I’m so happy for Annabelle and for you! What a treasure!
Dawn
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tz May 1, 2012 at 11:57 am

What a great story! It sounds like you’re both there for each other!
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Kelliann May 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm

You are amazing. Stay grateful! You can look back on these times when that addiction monster rears it’s ugly, nasty head. You can look at this and ignore that monster. Awesome.
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Kaitlyn May 1, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Amazing! Really, truly amazing. Congratulations.
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Carrie May 1, 2012 at 1:17 pm

You have such a fabulous way of looking at things and well…it’s just great.

You’re a total breath of fresh air and I love seeing your enthusiasm and excitement about the weight loss. You help keep me focused on what’s really important.
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Ally Bean May 1, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Ditto what Carrie said. I know how long & endless those hospital corridors can be, so I’m in double awe of your can do attitude. Congrats.
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Debbie May 1, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I so wish that every obese person could read this post. I don’t even have to wonder if it would inspire people to make some positive changes to get healthier, I KNOW it would. You speak well, Holly.

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MandaPanda May 1, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Wow! What a wonderful post! I’m so glad your daughter is OK and I’m so glad you could be the mom who stood by her through the scariness. 🙂
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Amy May 1, 2012 at 5:27 pm

loved reading this post – so awesome, and more great ones like this to come!

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Andrea May 1, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Oh, that just choked me up a bit. That was so sweet and so well written. And I’ll admit I was worried something had happened to you! Whew. I’m sorry your kiddo had a visit but I’m glad you’re okay. And I’m glad you were able to be there for her. So wonderful. Huge hugs. Glad she’s okay, too!
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Eleanor May 1, 2012 at 7:10 pm

It is amazing the small things that make or break a situation. I guess not being able to be there for your kid isn’t a small thing, but something that may not occur to people who have never had to deal with it. Your kids are lucky to have a mom who loves them that much.
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Courtney C May 1, 2012 at 7:46 pm

I’m all teary eyed reading this! I hope you are so proud of all that you’re accomplishing. It’s obvious your children are, and I know everyone who reads your posts are. It is a journey for sure, but you ARE making it and should be so proud of what you’ve accomplished with each decision and step!
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Robyn May 1, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Holly, You posts always make my eyes tear up. I can only imagine how great it felt to know that all your good choices are worth it!

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Sam May 1, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Holly you always know how to write with such passion and such awesomeness (sorry for lack of a better word). You are an amazing mother. You are an amazing woman! Look at all you are accomplishing!! So proud of you!
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