You are worth it

March 2, 2012 in Uncategorized

What you are about to read is an excerpt from the journal I kept during 2006 when my husband left me.


I don’t think I can handle this.  It’s too much.  How am I supposed to deal with this? CJ is just a baby.  He can’t even walk yet. What am I supposed to tell the kids? Charlotte is barely out of a crib.  How is it possible that this is happening? I’m going to need something to change right now . I’ll do whatever he wants. Anything.  But he can’t leave me.  He has to come home.  He has to.   


I don’t know how to do anything . I’m useless. I don’t know how to even pay the bills.  Where are they located? Somewhere on the computer? I don’t know the passwords.  


I don’t have a job. I’ve been a stay at home mom since they were babies. What am I supposed to do now? I don’t even know anyone . I still have boxes to unpack from the move. We just bought this house.  Isn’t this supposed to be a happy time? We just bought this house and paid off our car. I don’t get it. How did things go bad so fast?  I was worried about what kind of table to buy for the kitchen and what kind of curtains to get for the living room.  Who even cares now. 


 What am I supposed to do? I’m not cut out for this.  How can he just walk out? How can he just throw away our whole life? 


It’s because of me. 


 Because I’m too fat.  


That’s why I have a picture of a naked 19 year old on my computer right now.  Some girl he barely knows who he’s taking on a vacation.  Why did I look in his email. I’m so stupid. He called me from the hotel where he was staying with her.  How humiliating. And he sounded so happy.  And he said he hoped we could be friends.  FRIENDS?? We’ve been married 11 years and have 4 kids together. We’re supposed to be together forever. But he wants to be friends? I want to die. 


 My life is over.  And he’s in a hotel with some 19 year old who has the body of a 19 year old.  And I know what every inch of her looks like because it’s burned into my memory forever.  From those stupid pictures he left on the computer. And here I am.  Mid 30’s.  Over 300 pounds.  My body is used up and trashed.  He’s in a hotel having fun and I’m at home covered in baby spit up, changing diapers, and trying to breathe.


 I’m just thrown away now.  


Yesterday’s trash. 


 What good am I now? 


Maybe if I didn’t weigh this much I would be worth something to someone. 


Why can’t I stop eating?

The stupid food is killing me.



I’m an embarrassment. 


 I’m not strong enough to do this.  If he doesn’t come home then I won’t survive.  


My life is over.
———————————————————————————————
I wrote this in 2006 when my husband moved out.

He didn’t come home

……and…..

I survived.

As it turns out, my life wasn’t over after all.  Maybe it was just beginning.

When I found this today, I cried for her.  That woman who wrote that.  That version of myself. I still see the teardrops that stained the paper that day as I wrote.  Blurring the blue ink across the page.

I remember that day.  I wanted to die.  And I was trying to work out in my mind some way that I could justify killing myself.

These are the exact thoughts that went through my head.

I should kill myself.  Because I’m an embarrassment to my family.  An embarrasmessment to my poor children.  I’m an embarrassment to my husband.  He had to leave me because he was so unhappy.  If I can make someone that unhappy then I deserve to die.  If I can’t keep my children’s father in the home then I have done something terrible. I love my children.  All I have ever cared about is being a good mom. And now I have hurt my children. I am the reason their father left and for that I deserve to die.”

But then I would think….

I can’t kill myself.  That would traumatize the children.  Who would take care of them?”

And then….

He would take care of them.  He already told me that he wasn’t leaving because of the kids. He was leaving because of me.  Because he could not stand to look at me for one more second.  And that it was my fault he could not live in the same house with his kids anymore.  Because I was too horrible.  It’s my fault the kids have to live through this.  I deserve to die

And then….

But the kids would still be traumatized. They’d have to grow up knowing their mother left them voluntarily

And that was where it stopped. Right there.

Because I would never want my kids to think I wanted to leave them.

I truly believed that I deserved to die.  And at the moment I felt that if I went straight to hell I deserved that too.  Because all of this was my fault.  Because I was fat.

But I loved my children.  And I didn’t want to hurt them.

So I lived.

For them.

And that’s all I’ve been living for the past six years.

 Not me.

Because as far as I was concerned I didn’t deserve life.  I deserved death.

Well guess what? We’ve all messed up.  We’ve all made mistakes. There isn’t anyone perfect.  Not one single person.

And God Himself has said in spite of all our mistakes He wants NO ONE to perish (2 Peter 3:9).

 He doesn’t want anyone to commit suicide.

To throw in the towel.

To give up on themselves.

He loves you if you’re fat.  If you’re obese.  If you weigh 600 pounds or more.

He loves you in spite of what you’ve done.

Or how many hostess cupcakes you ate.

You are not trash to Him.

He will never throw you away for another.

Never humiliate you

Forsake you

Reject you

And He says “STOP! Don’t let yourself get overcome with the pain of what is going on around you.  Stop thinking you are useless.  Stop saying you’re trash.  You are NOT trash.  You are my BELOVED (1 Thessalonians 1:4)”

Some people think God plays favorites.

Some people even think THEY are God’s favorite.

Listen to them.  The way they act.  The way they JUDGE.

But God said He does NOT play favorites (Romans 2:11)He loves us all.

On the day I wrote this,  I knew one thing.

I was hopeless.  I was fat.  And I would gain more weight.

And I did.

Over 100 more pounds.

I knew I was used up.  I was a mistake.  I was trash.  I was not good enough.

I was alone.

But in these past 6 years God has shown Himself to me.

And He loved me at 417 pounds.  At 450.

He loved me when all I could do was sit  in the recliner and cry.

He loved me on my worst day.

And when I got out of the bed and decided to live–He smiled.

Because He knew I was worth living for.

Because Jesus thought I was worth dying for.


No matter what your body weighs, you are a person.

You’re not trash.

You are loved.

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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

Anonymous March 2, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Beautiful and inspiring 🙂

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Staci's Slimdown March 2, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Wow, Holly. That is raw. I'll be honest. I'm human. I wondered why your husband left and if it had to do with your weight, but WOW. How awful and terrible and hurtful in the way that that happened!!!! I'm not saying you deserved to be left or that he should've left you. I just wondered, because men and men and they can be visual. But I just assumed he was probably pretty overweight himself… because usually that's how it goes with spouses – one is unhealthy and the other is, too. OUCH. Oh man. I can't imagine at all how you felt because that's never happened to me at this point. 19??? Oh man. Yanno, I have had the same thoughts as you before with suicide. Those darn kids! LOL. They always bring a Mommy to not being able to do it. 🙂 And I'm so glad. Thank God for our lifelines. Thank God for His mercy and grace and that He doesn't see people as society sees them. To someone, I'm sure we are ALL trash. But to GOD, we are ALL hidden treasures! ((((hugs)))) You just really, REALLY inspire me. I make everyone and their momma read your blog. LOL

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~TMcGee~ March 2, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Holly, I know I just started reading your blog but it must have been meant to be so that I would be able to read this post. I can't go into all the details as to why this struck a chord with me and has tears running down my face but thank you for being so open to share such a private and heart breaking moment in your life. I havent prayed to God in about 2 years, I feel too ashamed to but I know without a doubt in my mind that you are priceless and to quote part of a scripture Your price is far FAR above rubies. I hope that when you look in the mirror you see what I and Im sure others see in that photo you have up there..a beautiful beautiful lady inside and out. Bless you truly.
~Faith~

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Sheila March 3, 2012 at 5:19 am

Okay, so now I can't read your blog without having tissues on hand. To be where you are, after having been through what you have been through, is so amazing to me. My dad left my mom for another woman and the scars run deep. I am so happy that you survived to tell your story.

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Sheila P. (aka Poison Ivy) March 3, 2012 at 7:03 am

double wow. Thank you for sharing such a painful part of your life. And that music video was the topper. Got me crying for sure. Of course it also makes me want to find your ex and hurt him 😉

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♫ Drazil ♪ March 3, 2012 at 8:00 am

Amazing. The spirit in you is amazing. I'm happy to have found you. Thank you.

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Chubby McGee March 3, 2012 at 8:22 am

Good Lord, Holly. I feel for you, but…I'm kind of "okay" that you went through that to come out as the strong person you are now. You proved that you can survive something that horrible and emerge as a new person. You proved your old self wrong, too. You CAN do anything. And you have. 🙂 All those times in our lives when we get stomped on do make us stronger. I see it happened to you. You are lucky to have your kids and they are lucky to have YOU. You've come a long way, baby. You've gone through hell and out the other side. I'm glad you kept on trudging, too.

Also, your ex sounds like a tool. I'm glad he's not around your kids. You didn't deserve to be mistreated like that. He suffered a huge loss when he walked out on an amazing woman and family. What a cruel idiot he is.

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RockBand Barbie March 3, 2012 at 8:51 am

WOW…I need to go redo my makeup for the day, the tears ran all of it down to my shirt. What an absolute inspiration you are!!!

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trisha March 3, 2012 at 8:56 am

I've got goosebumps after reading this. Bless your poor heart Holly – you are amazing to be able to rebound after such a deep crevice to of appeared in your heart due to him.

Although, I have an alternate feeling right now – which is intense ANGER towards your ex!! I wanna round up a posse and hang him high!! lol What an idiot. HIS LOSS, NOT yours girl!!! Keep on keepin on!

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Kelly March 3, 2012 at 9:24 am

Wow. Just wow. And yes, I'm crying now, too. YOU ARE A SURVIVOR AND A WARRIOR.

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Linda March 3, 2012 at 10:47 am

Hi Holly – I think so many of us have felt worthless because of our weight. I'm so glad you are changing your life and I can't wait to follow your blog.

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Michelle Jackson March 3, 2012 at 10:56 am

Holly, you are an amazing inspiration! To some degree I can relate to your story. My weight caused some major strain over the years in my marriage. I know there were times he thought about leaving because of it. Thankfully our friendship was enough to keep him with me and keep him trying. But I had a few moments of that panic and self loathing when I feared he was going to leave. I can only imagine how horrible it was for you to have it become a reality. And what an amazing testimony it is to see how far you have come and how strong you are now. The truth of the matter his, you are stronger than your husband ever was. He gave up. He focused on all the wrong things, and he gave up his family and a loving wife over the most shallow of things. Your strength is amazing.

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kristi March 3, 2012 at 10:59 am

Oh honey. I just found your blog. I will be following! And I haven't read much but I know when a man really loves you, he loves you fat or thin. My huband loved me when I was almost 300 lbs. He still loves me at 215 lbs. His love has never changed. Hope you can read my blog(s)!

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FitBy40 March 3, 2012 at 11:09 am

Oh wow, talk about a tear fest over here! Thanks for sharing that torturous part of your life and never forget those depths of despair so that you'll never go back to that place!
You are so worth it, and so are your kids.
I'm so glad you found my blog, and that I'm follwing you now.
Keep up the great work!
PS:, I bet that 19 year old left him a long time ago, huh?!

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Banded With Favor March 3, 2012 at 11:20 am

Holly, you are a thank you Jesus story for sure and such an inspiration…thank you for sharing for putting everything out there…hugs to you!!!

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BP March 3, 2012 at 11:58 am

Drazil sent me and I am oh so thankful she dd! What a wonderfully brave woman you are! I am in awe…I really can't find the words to express how proud I feel of you (weird cuz I don't know you). I pray your story reaches the ears it was meant for. AWE-some!
Bandpipes

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Anonymous March 3, 2012 at 12:16 pm

This is real life- and I know it must have been very hard for you to write. Thank you for your honesty. I know you are helping many people who are dealing with the same things.

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A Journey to a new me... March 3, 2012 at 12:38 pm

You are such an amazing person and I'm thankful to be able to share in your story. So many times I've felt worthless for how I look and how much I weigh(ed)…it's been a life time battle. It is getting a bit easier (especially since turning 40) and reading journeys like yours is a gentle reminder that I too can and will survive. God Bless.

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JL March 3, 2012 at 12:40 pm

This happened to me. And I have been wondering the same things. If I don't just deserve to die. Even God must hate me. I always feel judged. But this makes me think maybe there is hope. I think now that I will try to see things the way you see things because it seems like that is a good way to look at it. I thought I was alone feeling like this. I don't think I am anymore

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fatgirlchangingherworld March 3, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Holly…girl your ability to share your most vulnerable moments and display how your faith has carried you forward when you needed it most, is truly inspiring. I am so glad I found your blog…because you raise the bar my friend! I just love to read what you write.

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Brenda March 3, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Oh Holly! I cried for the woman you were before. I am so glad you went on with life. You are truly inspirational.

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Justawallflower March 3, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Draz sent me here, and so glad she did! Can't wait to follow your journey. What an amazing story!

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Chubby B March 3, 2012 at 4:17 pm

You are a true inspiration to everyone, I had my lapband surgery last Friday and I keep putting off the walking part of it. I did go for a walk this morning and I am going to continue this, best of luck to you,
btw, your daughter is beautiful..

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Christina March 3, 2012 at 4:32 pm

All I can say is wow. You truly are an amazing woman and incredible mother. Thank you for your words–your honesty and openness is inspiring.

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Ice Queen March 3, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Thanks to Drazzie, I now have a new blog and inspiration to follow. This is so real, so honest, you touched my heart.

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40 Minus 100 March 3, 2012 at 6:30 pm

I just found your blog while searching for other weight loss blogs. I just started my own public journey to lose (over)100 pounds and I've been looking for others to inspire me along the way. I can honestly say that your video and story is the MOST touching, inspiring, ENCOURAGING blog I've found yet!! Bless you for sharing your heart like this. THANK YOU!! God bless you! You are obviously beautiful on the inside AND the outside!

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~Sandi @ This one time at 'band' camp... March 3, 2012 at 7:14 pm

I'm a new follower, Draz sent me over and I look forward to following your story, beautiful!

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Dawnya March 3, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Holly, Holly, Holly…this post was truly needed. Somebody needed to read this. Somebody needed to be reminded of this today at this moment that somebody is me. Thank you so much for sharing your pain and your healing. Thank you for not giving up. For finding that strength that God blessed you with. Thank you!!

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Andrea March 3, 2012 at 8:39 pm

This is so good!

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Lana in MI March 4, 2012 at 6:02 am

Look at all these women you are inspiring to keep going!!!! That horrible episode in your life has strangely created YOU. The most amazing woman, mom, and blogger I've met. NEVER give up. The crazy bunch of us out here won't let you. Hugs from MI!!!

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Miss April March 4, 2012 at 6:22 am

Wow…. this is amazing! This is only the second post I've read of yours, ever. I'm in awe. This is the real deal right here, thanks for sharing this. How wonderful that you kept a journal. Tears are words waiting to be written down. Fight on!

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Lori March 4, 2012 at 6:43 am

Thank you Jesus for breaking through the walls and showing Holly how precious she is! Thank you Holly for sharing…Your story is God honoring! Hugs!

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Anonymous March 4, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Wow! I too caught my husband cheating, I too am "morbidly obese", I too was made to feel not good enough, I too decided to kick his useless ass out and carry on with my WLS. Like you, I too am moving on to a happier, healthier future. Thank you for this blog, it is very Inspirational.
*A new follower*

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mommykinz March 4, 2012 at 3:01 pm

OMG my dad just sent me this video too!
So glad you lived and are living!!!

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ReJoyce777 March 5, 2012 at 8:11 am

Blessed be the name of our Lord. Girl, God is using you in so many ways!!!! Thank you for sharing.

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jennxaz March 5, 2012 at 10:20 am

new follower and you truly touched me. Thank you for being so real in your post…that took courage.

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MandaPanda March 9, 2012 at 5:40 am

I'm way late to this post but I just found your blog and am reading through it in its entirety. I can't believe I didn't find you until now. I found myself at my desk crying for the woman who felt she didn't deserve life or happiness. I'm a new follower but you've already come SO far and you did survive. I'm not sure where your exhusband is in his life now but I doubt he's still with a 19 year old and if he is, bully for him…she'll get bored and leave. But you found yourself in that mess and never forget that you deserve all the good things that can happen to you.

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Gen November 2, 2012 at 5:54 pm

As I was reading this, the movie “Why Did I Get Married?” came to mind. One of the character’s hubby was being a jerk (pretty much throughout the whole movie) and he made her feel low. He made her feel like she was worthless and not worth being around. By the end, he realizes he screwed up….the 80/20 rule….but by then it’s too late.
Gen recently posted..Month of ThankfulnessMy Profile

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