Do it for yourself

March 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

My husband left me in 2006 about 3 weeks after Valentine’s Day.

But let me rewind the tape to 3 weeks before he walked out the door.

It was Valentine’s Day 2006.

It’s ironic because I remember waking up on Valentine’s Day to a giant bouquet of a dozen roses and TWO cards that he had left for me on the kitchen table before he went to work.
He used to always give me two cards.  One would be funny and the other serious.  He always told me he just liked to make sure he had all his bases covered 🙂
I remember this like yesterday because there had been a lot of tension between us since that Christmas.   Something had happened right after Christmas that changed his entire demeanor towards me.  
I did not know what had caused the change.  I just knew that suddenly he seemed distant.  Irritable.  Angry.

Everything I said and did seemed to rub him the wrong way.

He would come home and immediately go straight to the bedroom and lock the door.

He slept with his cell phone repeatedly checking text messages.  I remember laying next to him in the bed and seeing the phone light up all night long with someone’s messages.

He would turn his back to me shielding the phone from me.

The same with the laptop which he would immediately shut if I walked in the room.

He would go up to the store to get a soda and return 6 hours later without one.
And he would often call me on a Friday saying they had to go out for field training over the weekend and wouldn’t be home until Monday.
Yes…yes…I know….
But I wanted everything to be ok.
How desperately I wanted it to be ok.
So I cleaned more.  And cooked more.  And made sure the house was spotless.

And I’d dress the kids in perfect outfits and do their hair so when he walked in the door they would look perfect.

I lined them all up in a row like that scene out of The Sound of Music.

I tried SO hard to be perfect.  Make the house perfect.  The kids perfect.  Me perfect.
It was as if I could see an avalanche coming and I knew I should run for cover but instead I just kept tidying up my little area hoping if I could get things clean enough or perfect enough…the avalanche might just miss me on the way down.
So when I woke up on Valentine’s Day and saw a dozen roses and two cards on the kitchen table I could not believe it.  He had gotten up early and left that for me before he went to work.  I had not expected to get anything at all especially after the silent treatment and distance he’d been putting between us.
And then I saw that.  And I knew…I just KNEW…everything was going to be ok.
I opened the card and it read 
“Holly–I love you.  And I would marry you all over again.”
Clutching those cards in my hands I sank back into the couch with great relief.  It was probably the first time I had breathed in two months.  Finally, there was a breakthrough.  Finally I could relax.
Things were going to be ok.
And 3 weeks later he left me.   
The bouquet of roses wilted and dried out.

Soon they were tossed in the trash along with most of my self esteem and what was left of my heart.

There would be no more flowers coming my way.
No bouquet of roses to wake up to.

Every day I woke up to an empty space in the bed but the babies crying for their bottles and their diapers to be changed.

The house still required cleaning.   The food still had to be cooked. The beds made.  The children cared for.

Life had to go on.

And it would go on without him.

But no more flowers would find their way to my kitchen table.

There was no knight in shining armor riding in to take his place.

So there I was day after day changing diapers, washing bottles and trying to find a way to survive.

When he left, his life just seemed to get better.  Every time I saw him he just beamed with joy.

And because we were still married all his bills still came to our house.

Why did I open them? To punish myself?

A hot air balloon ride.

Victoria’ secret purchases.

Jewelry.

FLOWERS

But nothing for me.  Just copies of the bills.  Just confirmation papers of their hot air balloon ride he had reserved.

And the Victoria’s Secret purchases he had made for her and then simultaneously signed him up for the mailing list.

With OUR address.

Or MINE rather

So every month I would get a Victoria’s Secret catalog to remind me of them.

While I was at home changing diapers.  Washing bottles.  Rocking babies.  Cleaning up baby vomit and diarrhea.

I mean that’s just the way it was.  That was my life.

And then our dog who had been getting old became sick.  He could barely breathe and he began having diarrhea in the house.  So there I was with my hands full and my heart empty.

Wondering what I had ever done in this world to deserve this?

Then one day I was walking by the flowers in the grocery store thinking to myself

 “No one buys me flowers anymore” 
I was depressed.  Feeling worthless and alone.
Until this radical thought popped into my head

BUY THEM YOURSELF!!
Yeah that’s right…buy the darn flowers yourself!! 
You don’t need to wait for someone else to come along and bring you flowers.

Does it have to take another person to acknowledge that you are special?

That you deserve some sunshine in your life??
Are you not just as deserving of some flowers right now even without a man to give them to you?
Well yes….I thought…YES I AM
Sure for a second I thought..that’s silly….

But then I did something monumental.  Something that literally changed my life.

I gave myself permission to buy myself flowers.

I waltzed right over there and picked out my favorite bouquet.

Then I came home and put them in the vase
My kids kept asking me “Who gave you those flowers???”
So I told them…

“ME”
And I’ve been buying myself flowers ever since.
Partly because I want my children to know that it’s ok if no one buys you flowers because you can buy them for yourself.

And if you do not want them to be from you then have them be from God.

Because He loves you and wants nothing more than to see a smile on your face.

This moment started me back on the road to believing that I was worthy of something special.

And I realized in that moment that I did not need a human being to tell me I was special.

Because I WAS special already.

I was special long before my husband decided I was.

And I was still special long after he decided I wasn’t anymore.

And I was ALWAYS special to God. His Beloved.  And even if no one on this earth felt that way about me–

He did.

So today I was in the grocery store today and saw some beautiful flowers…

But you know what my first thought was NOT….

My first thought was NOT

 “No one buys me flowers anymore” 

No…my first thought was

“Holly, you’ve been slacking off.  It’s time to buy YOURSELF some flowers again.”

It’s time.

SO I DID!!
Here they are.
Do you like them?

Now go buy yourself some flowers because the truth is….you are special and you deserve it.
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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }

Momee3021 March 24, 2012 at 6:21 pm

I love this. I always buy myself flower among other stuff but sadly not because I feel like I deserve something special but because I am a brat and don't trust anyone else to buy me what I 'really' want. LOL. You feel selfish in the beginning buying something for yourself but let me tell you the guilt goes away and then you start becoming a bit nicer to yourself and it shines through. Love yourself – it makes you feel great!

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Sheila March 24, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Okay *love* this post (as usual!) I've been slacking on reading (job, hubby and kids are keeping me busy!) so I'm sure there are many more of your blogs I have missed. I love that you buy yourself flowers every now and then. You are special and I'm sooooooooooooo happy you realize that (even if it was a long road getting there.) You are a great example for your kids, YOU are THEIR night in shinning armor because you never left them! 🙂

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Marcia Henson March 10, 2013 at 1:45 am

AMEN!!!

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Amanda M. March 24, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Wow. Just amazingly wow. I feel like crying. I am not sure if they are happy tears or sad tears. But nonetheless, thank you for reminding me that I am special.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down March 24, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Momeee..I totally know what you mean!1 It does take some time to get over feeling like you are being selfish. But in reality you are doing something important b/c we all need to feel special in order to make others (like our kids) feel special too!

Sheila…that line "you are their knight in shining armor" just made me cry. Literally spill tears. I'm putting that on a plaque my friend. Thank you so much for saying that to me. It just opened my eyes to something I had never thought of before. thank you!

Amanda M..You are special!! I hope they are happy tears!!

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~TMcGee~ March 24, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Holly, I wish I could buy you flowers! 😀 Seriously though, I am so SO glad you recognized that you, lil lady are a gift and you deserve flowers and so much more. Thank you for seeing what the rest of us see, a truly beautiful human being INside and Out. 🙂
Also, I never really mention your husband in my comments (when you speak of him) as I occasionally try to follow the motto "if you can't say something nice don't say nuttin at all"…HOWEVER. lol…I just wanted to say this. No matter how happy he appears, he really isn't on the inside, I can promise you that. And he will have to live with what makes him miserable for the rest of his life…himself (unless he gets his heart right but that's a whole other comment lol). *hugs to you, lady*

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Connie March 24, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Holly, this post was spectacular! Thank you so much for sharing AND for reminding me that we are all special! I am currently on my own journey to lose 265 lbs.! I am at the very beginning and there are days I feel like I just can't do it…then I read a post like this and think, DANGIT, I am worth it and I will make it! Again, thanks for sharing!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down March 24, 2012 at 8:11 pm

TMcGee..you always know just what to say!!!!

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spunkysuzi March 24, 2012 at 8:21 pm

You are amazing!! Truly 🙂 Each and everyone of us is special in our own way.

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Staci's Slimdown March 24, 2012 at 8:36 pm

I really do not like your husband. Is that okay? 🙂 Does he see the kids at all at this point? Sorry if I'm too nosy. I'm just a woman. LOL I LOVE THOSE FLOWERS!!! Yellow flowers are my fave! I love yellow roses and mixed bouquets of flowers. I do occasionally buy them for me and the kids to enjoy. The husband does remember fairly often, and the girls do remind him. ha! But I love the idea of letting them "be from God." So neat! (((hugs)))

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down March 24, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Staci–to answer your question. Yes he does still see the children about once or twice a year when he can due to being stationed out of the country with the military. He sends birthday and Christmas gifts. He calls often. He is in the Army and I do appreciate his service. He has always paid child support and given the situation he has tried his best to meet his obligations. He has always maintained that he never left because of the children but rather because of me. And we do have an amicable relationship for the sake of the children although I'm relatively sure he wouldn't care for my blog if he ever read it 🙂 And in spite of what I often write about how what he did affected my life, I have forgiven him. I think I just did my best to cast him in a good light. Did it work?

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Carrie - ASassyRedhead.com March 24, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Sweet girl, this is priceless stuff. I can relate to so much of it.

Except MY flowers didn't come until AFTER my divorce when he discovered he "couldn't live without me."

Well, "me" and the girlfriend he STILL kept on the side.

I did the same thing. Started buying myself flowers. If for no other reason than to show myself I can.

You're a smart lady. And you're teaching those babies how to take care of themselves when life doesn't go like we plan.

You're in my heart. =)

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Lap Band Gal March 24, 2012 at 10:10 pm

what a pretty amazing post 🙂

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Sharon March 24, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Awesome post!

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Vivian March 25, 2012 at 1:05 am

Holly you are wonderful. Well done on valuing yourself.

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Sarah March 25, 2012 at 1:59 am

Holly if you keep making me cry like this, I may have to stop reading your blog! You are so incredible and strong. I love to learn from you. xx

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kristi March 25, 2012 at 3:00 am

You go, girl!

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tz March 25, 2012 at 5:01 am

yay you!

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Joanna March 25, 2012 at 5:41 am

What an amazing post – once again. You are so right. It's sentiments like this that we all need to instill in ourselves. We shouldn't be making changes in our lives for anyone but ourselves. I will try to remember this every single day.

Thank you!!

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Andrea March 25, 2012 at 7:54 am

I love this! Your posts are always so great! I buy myself flowers too 🙂

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LuckyEight16 March 25, 2012 at 8:21 am

Love this! You're absolutely right. I never get flowers either, so I think that maybe today I will go buy myself some. Thanks for reminding me that I am pretty awesome with or without a man =)

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Sandy March 25, 2012 at 9:02 am

Great post. And I buy MYSELF flowers all the time. Because I too wasn't waiting around for hubby to get them for me. On Valentines day I posted my dozen roses on Facebook and he replied in a nice way–what was I going to do with the dozen he had bought? It was a joke b/c he just doesn't think of flowers. I won't diss him because he shows love in other ways. But I always say, give yourself what you want because at least you know you will get exactly the right gift.

I am so sorry you went through this but it is amazing to see you survive and thrive.

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Robyn's Nest March 25, 2012 at 10:56 am

I remember the first time my husband told me he didn't love me anymore. Sadly, we stayed married and lived together for another 10 years. I forgot what it felt like to be loved. Or respected. Or to have a real partnership.
When our youngest was a senior in HS, I filed for divorce. But still we loved together until she left for college. Then I left.
I found someone else that could love and appreciate me.
This husband loves me. He was worth the wait.
My point is that if you open yourself up, you just might find someone great out there. Do not let one selfish man make you think they are all that way. You deserve to be loved.

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~Sandi @ This one time at 'band' camp... March 25, 2012 at 11:31 am

You are amazing! Thanks for this post, it's just a reminder that we don't have to count on someone to make us feel special, we are ALL special!

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Jane March 25, 2012 at 12:30 pm

What a sad story with a very happy ending! I'm so glad you know that you deserve a special treat. Love those flowers too. It's inspiring to me to read your posts and like you said in your video, you're just removing layers and getting back to the real you. It's a beautiful thing to see.

And on another note, I'm happy to tell you that avoided the peeps at the grocery story yesterday. I knew if I bought them I'd be the only one eating them, who needs that much crap??!!! So thanks!

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speck March 25, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Oh my gosh Holly, this post had me so drawn in that for a minute I thought I was reading a best seller book.(Honestly)

Then for a split second my eyes welled up. It takes a lot for that to happen.

This post really touched my heart.

Thanks for blessing me today.

Sandra

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Joy March 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Beautiful post! You have come a long way!!!

Keep focused!

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ReJoyce777 March 25, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Love this!!! First, I know how you feel. I could feel the distance growing with my first husband and how he changed the screen on the computer when I walked by. When I found out, I made all kinds of promises to change and lose weight. That didn't matter. When I was dating my current husband, something we agreed….I would say, "I don't need a man, I can take care of myself." He would say the same thing about not needing a woman. We share responsibilities and we love the companionship, but we don't NEED the other to cook or clean or do yard maintenance or pay the bills. I am still learning about doing things for myself (Miss Co-Dependant still struggles with this). I love your insight and you know what, I am going to go buy me some flowers. Thank you again Holly!!!

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Czesia March 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Aww Holly! I love you! I'd buy you flowers everyday 🙂 I'm so glad you can see through the hurt and the pain and know that you are special, and perfect in God's eyes! (((hugs)))

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Michelle Jackson March 25, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Holly, you are SO strong! You are an amazing and beautiful woman inside and out! And you are such an inspiration! The flowers are beautiful and you definitely deserve them!!

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MandaPanda March 26, 2012 at 6:36 am

I think your whole goal in this blog is to get me to cry at work…and you've done it again. Good for you! And those flowers are beautiful, just like you are.

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Kerry :) March 26, 2012 at 8:29 am

You deserve them! So proud of you!!! Im so glad you commented on my blog today or I would have never found this… I needed this!

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If Only She Were Thinner March 26, 2012 at 9:12 am

Flowers make everything seem brighter. They are God's way of reminding us that life continues and we can be reborn into something even more beautiful. (this is why I LOVE the butterfly). You are an AMAZING woman and you deserve all the flowers in the world.

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Ducky March 26, 2012 at 11:50 am

"And I realized in that moment that I did not need a human being to tell me I was special.

Because I WAS special already."

That is the most beautiful truthful statement, ever! I hope you shout it loud and long and often!! SO MANY of us, men and women, never get to this realization. WE ARE worth it! We don't need anyone to complete us because we are already complete. Relationships are the gravy and WE are the mashed potatoes (if that makes any sense).

I buy flowers for myself often as well. Why wait? We create our own happiness and flowers make me happy :O)

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bbubblyb March 26, 2012 at 12:28 pm

This post made me cry for so many reasons 🙂 So glad you buy yourself flowers, you do deserve them 🙂

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Zoey March 27, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Holly I'm new, I found you on momastery, and I'm inspired! I'll be following you and your journey, thanks for the smile 🙂

Zoey

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Kody at Skinny Sized March 28, 2012 at 12:02 pm

What a wonderful post! Congrats on finding the beauty within yourself! You are right God loves you and you are worthy of all the flowers in the world!!!

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Lucy March 28, 2012 at 4:07 pm

If I could, i'd buy you flowers myself! (first timer to your blog and I think you Rock!)

Kudos to your continual success – I just know there is more for the taking! 🙂

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Anonymous March 31, 2012 at 9:45 am

very nice,loved it.

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molly March 9, 2013 at 4:27 pm

Sweet Holly: God made those flowers just for you…isn’t He so good?! My husband died almost two years ago, and although my girls send me flowers now and then for special occasions, I buy my own flowers now. It is ok to warm your soul with the beauty that surrounds you, and the kids learn from that. Home is what we make of it, so make it pretty…get some flowers!! Yes! I’m getting some today!! Thank you, Holly

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Cat March 21, 2013 at 6:57 pm

Gorgeous flowers… I can’t believe he actually used your address for the catalog! What a dog.
Cat recently posted..Last NightMy Profile

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