Prison

February 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

I was digging around the other day and found this most unflattering picture of myself. 

It’s rather amazing that this even was taken because all of the kids knew that taking pictures of me was not allowed.

I often felt bad that if I died, the kids would have no pictures of me.

Only their memories. 

My little ones were often baffled by my aversion to pictures. 

To them, I’m just mom.  They didn’t understand why I hated to be in the pictures. 

They didn’t see me as obese.  They just saw Mom. 

I hope that everyone has someone in their life who sees THEM. 

Not their weight.  Not their flaws. 

Not their bad hair or bad skin or bad resume.

Someone that sees through to the heart. 

I really believe that the reason I managed to endure so many years as a super obese person without losing my self esteem was because to four children on this earth I’m everything.

I might look like that picture but to my youngest daughter I’m a princess. 

She would climb up next to me and put a crown on my head and a tea cup in my hand. 

My son tells me I’m beautiful. 

Yes looking just like that. 

Beautiful. 

I believe children often  see things in a way that adults marred by the human experience of life do not. 

We often become jaded and bitter. 

We often become judgemental. 

Children, however, see through to the heart. 

They see past what is on the outside.

Even when I was 400-450 pounds, my children saw my heart. 

Now that I am 130 pounds lighter, they still see me as the same person.

 Only more fun. 

To them I was never broken or damaged.

I was already pretty awesome.  Now I’m just new and improved.

You know like the song says…better…faster…stronger…

When I saw this picture of myself, I was initially horrified.

I was about to delete it.

Then I decided–no. 

I want to remember this. 

That tired look on my face. 

That’s how I felt.  ALL THE TIME. 

There was never a moment I woke up rested. 

Never a moment I slept soundly. 

I was always in pain. 

Struggling.  Uncomfortable.  Tired. 

This is what obesity does to you.  To your life.

I may have pain in my leg right now.  It may be slowing me down. 

But no matter what I may feel now it can never compare to what I felt then. 

I was a prisoner. 

A prison of my own design. 

Sometimes I felt like screaming “I’m in here!”  

It seemed that I had been locked up inside this body. 

That it had swallowed me whole.  

Day after day, I sat inside this prison of fat.

Like a prisoner on death row just waiting for their time to come. 

There was no relief. 

Just the pressure weighing down on you. 

The knowledge that you had come to the end of yourself. 

That you–on your own–could do nothing to improve your situation. 

That whatever you might have tried had failed. 

All the appeals to the court had been denied. 

And now there was nothing left but waiting. 

Waiting for the heart attack or the stroke to come and take you. 

To have no hope is  a dangerous thing.

We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us. (2 Corinthians 1:10)

And just like that, the ruling was overturned and I was released. 

The door opened for me to have this surgery. 

And in a few short hours, a surgeon that God brought into my life worked a miracle. 

It was like the governer calling in a pardon at the very last second. 

And suddenly I was set free. 

No more a prisoner inside my own body. 

Finally there was hope.

The other night my church had a Valentine’s Dinner and Dance. (This was before the pain in my leg went into hyperdrive) 

I went with a friend of mine.

Something I would NEVER have done 7 months ago. 

I was a prisoner back then. 

But today I have hope. 

I’m still a big girl but I’m not who I used to be. 

I’m free. 

I’m dancing.

Psalm 30:11  You have turned my mourning into dancing

Isn’t it good to be free?

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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Jess @ Blonde Ponytail February 20, 2012 at 7:14 pm

HOLLY! Thanks for visiting my blog! YOU are an inspiration!!! WOW! Yes, the recipe is low carb, very little sugar (only the protein powder & cocoa have any) such a nice guilt-free treat!

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Andrea February 20, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Love this!

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Anonymous February 20, 2012 at 10:52 pm

you've put my feelings into words, without even knowing me. you have a gift! Keep pushing, you are an inspiration!

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Nikki February 21, 2012 at 5:48 am

Thank you for your comment on my blog.

You have done amazingly well. It's great that your dancing and you would never have thought or been able to do that before your journey. I love dancing.

I agree that kids see things through different eyes to adults. Sometimes we need to think like a child x

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Pippy February 21, 2012 at 6:07 am

You look Great! You are my inspiration!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 21, 2012 at 6:19 am

Thank you!!!!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 21, 2012 at 6:20 am

It's funny how my kids will say or do things that seem pretty wise. I probably learn more from them than they do from me. Thank you so much for the encouragement!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 21, 2012 at 6:20 am

Oh thank you so much!! I really like getting to know others in the weight loss community. We have all been through similar things and can relate to each other!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 21, 2012 at 6:21 am

thanks Andrea!! Just watched your video and you are going through 2 journeys. Doing awesome in both!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 21, 2012 at 6:21 am

thanks Jess! I loved that recipe and I can't wait to try it. Hope you post more!

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Stephanie Whalen February 21, 2012 at 6:45 am

Holly you continue to amaze me with your strength and courage. I am so proud of you!!!!

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Barbara February 21, 2012 at 8:28 am

I'm happy to have found your amazing blog. What an inspiration you are.–Barbara

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 21, 2012 at 8:48 am

Thank you so much!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 21, 2012 at 8:48 am

Thanks steph!! All the posts you make about running and your dedication to fitness inspire me!

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Mike Turner February 21, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Way to go Holly your the best and I know God has such great plans for your future, makes me so happy to call you friend and to pull from your strength as I am fighting to escape from my own prison as well.

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Meg February 21, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Such a sweet post! Keep working hard. You are doing such an amazing job!

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Lori February 21, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I can relate to the expression on your face for I have been rescued/pardoned as well. Thanks for your blog, I will enjoy peeking at it as time permits.

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trisha February 21, 2012 at 5:52 pm

you're an amazingly strong woman Holly! I am a new follower of yours, and I know what you mean about wanting to scream out "I am in here!!" – I feel like that most days!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 21, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Thanks Mike!!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 21, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Thanks Meg!!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 21, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Thanks a lot Lori! I checked out your blog and I can relate to many of the things you are writing about as well. Look forward to sharing stories!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 21, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Hey Trisha! Thanks! I saw what you've been through this week and really understand about the roadblocks. I look forward to following your journey. You're a very strong woman that I'm sure I can learn a lot from!

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Linda Sherwood February 22, 2012 at 5:45 am

You are so right! My dad was also over 400 pounds, and I never thought of him as fat. He was just Dad.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 22, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Thanks Linda!! It's so nice to hear that!! I feel very blessed to have my kids because they love me no matter my size. However, they sure do get excited about me being able to participate in their lives more now!

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Anonymous February 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

You are truly an inspiration!!! Keep up the good work… you look FABULOUS

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