Doom and Gloom Mornings

January 10, 2012 in Uncategorized

Do you ever wake up with a feeling of dread?

 I do.

I really hate those mornings.

Nothing has yet happened to create this feeling other than simply waking up from sleep.

And before I move or barely open my eyes, I have a sinking feeling of dread, depression and gloom

Sometimes panic.

I wonder if maybe I’ve been dreaming and that’s the reason.

If so, I don’t remember the dream.

Usually what causes this is the memory of something.

I awaken to a sudden and harsh reality of my mind realizing something tragic all over again.

When my husband first left me, every morning was like this.

I would wake up and my first thoughts would be what to make the kids for breakfast or what to make for dinner.

I’d glance over to the bathroom where my husband would usually be shaving before work and realize there was no sound of running water.

The light was off.

No one standing there at the sink.

I’d look to the right side of the bed.

The empty space.

And then I’d remember.

He’s gone.

And my heart would sink.

Panic would set in.

I was alone.

The sound of my babies rustling around in the crib across the hall would waken me further to the reality that whatever happened that day was my burden to bear.

And there was no time to cry.

No time to grieve.

Only time to change diapers, clean bottles, and comfort children with words I wasn’t even sure I believed myself.

Doom and gloom mornings where the heart and the mind must get on the same page.

The heart wanting only to remember the past and the mind being constantly aware of the present realities.

The next morning I would slowly awaken smiling at the thought of morning coffee and my babies’ sweet smile but then suddenly feeling again the cold side of the bed where no one slept, the shaving cream still sitting on the edge of the sink right where he left it, the half empty closet with clothes still waiting for him to pick up.

Then one day it seeped into my subconscious and my heart finally knew upon waking that I was alone.

No longer having to relive it over and over again.

The same thing happens now only regarding a different subject.

My mother.

When it first happened, every day brought this new reality crashing back again.

Like getting up each morning only to be hit by a bus.

Then finding yourself under the bus again the next day.

And the next.

While it’s been a year, I still find myself having these mornings.

Today was one of them.

I woke up and suddenly it was as if someone set off the panic button in my mind.

My mom is gone.

What brought this on so emphatically I’m not sure.

Was I dreaming of her?

I reached for my phone to call her.

But as quickly as my hand touched the phone, I knew she wouldn’t answer.

She would never answer again.

I looked down at the text my brother had sent .

He was at the gym.

Putting on my shoes and throwing on my sweatshirt, I went out for my morning walk.

The outside world seemed to complete the picture that was already painted in my heart.

It was dark and gloomy.

Cold.

It seemed no one was awake in the whole world except for me.

I walked along the quiet street with only the sound of leaves crunching beneath me.

Very aware of just how lonely it can be sometimes.

No husband.

No mom.

No family closer than 1600 miles.

And all I could think of was how cold and quiet and dark the world seemed right then.

And how in that moment my heart seemed to reflect that same feeling.

I didn’t want to walk.

I wanted to turn around and go back in the house.

Get under the covers and go back to sleep.

Back to the foggy state where I don’t remember the things that make waking up so hard on certain mornings.

As I turned the corner I saw the moon.

It was a light shining in the darkness.

At the exact same moment, this song came on

I love God’s little coincidences which really are never coincidences at all.  


In that moment all I could feel was darkness and cold and depression seeping slowly into me.  


All around me the world reflected what I felt.  


Darkness, cold and silence.  


The symptoms of being totally alone.  


Then I noticed the moon–a light shining in the darkness. 


And though there were clouds in the sky, I now noticed the moon more than the clouds.  


I could hear the words of the song speaking to my heart.  


Reminding me that He is the light in me.  


That even though the world is often full of tragedy and loneliness and a cold darkness that threatens to overtake our soul–He still shines in that darkness.  


He still gives us hope.  

He is the light shining in our dark times leading the way.   Just turn your focus up.  He is there.
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