Duck! Incoming!!

December 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

This has been a crazy couple of weeks.  I finally hit my first major goal of 100 pounds lost.

Of course, I have had little goals all along the way but this was my first major one.

  Ironically,the closer I got to achieving this goal the more things popped up to discourage me.

RAIN…I know we live in Texas and we need the rain but you’ve got to see things from my perspective.

 I have to go walking in it.

Not a downpour but it’s yucky!

The pavement is wet.

There are puddles and mud.

Sometimes people splash you when they go by. (Special thanks to those guys!)

Did I mention I’m not really an outdoorsy person to begin with?

 But there I am about 13 lbs away from my first major goal of that 100 pounds lost and suddenly it starts raining—EVERY DAY.

It just doesn’t rain out here.

 Ask my grass—my dead grass.

But suddenly it’s raining every day and it won’t stop.

 The rain doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

 And if I won’t go out in it, then I’m not going anywhere either except BACKWARDS.

 Trust me–I’m a professional backslider when it comes to this so I can’t afford it.

And then there are the DIScouragers.

I was out walking with my oldest daughter (cheerleader/motivator/supporter and generally amazing encourager).

 We’re getting the walk in and having some great conversation when this man rolls his window down and starts yelling at us to get on the sidewalk. NICE!

And FYI, there’s not always a sidewalk to walk on around here.  The sidewalk that is there is cracked, uneven and sometimes randomly ends (kind of like my former marriage!)

 But when it comes to road rules–I follow them.

I walk on the left side, pay attention to oncoming traffic, and stay out of the way.

But if I waited for the yellow brick road to appear for me to walk on I’d be waiting forever.

He made sure to rip through a big puddle and splash us as he drove away.

I haven’t even mentioned the man who yelled at me to go back in the house because I was too fat to be outside.  I didn’t realize there was a weight limit for being seen by society.

Guess I do now!

So something new to add to the list….hecklers?

But the first two discouraging incidents were like child’s play compared to this next thing.

THIS was the one that had serious potential to derail me.

I went in for a routine follow up appointment where I was seen not by my surgeon but rather someone else.

 I won’t say who b/c I’m not trying to publicly slam this individual.

However, I walked in feeling amazing about my progress and left feeling like a giant ZERO.

Not a SIZE zero.  A personal zero.  This was my feedback:

“96 pounds in 5 months isn’t good enough”

Yep. She said it!

Then she frowned and there was silence for a few minutes as she studied my chart like a puzzle.

Her eyes squinting as she tried to decipher it like some mystery that baffled her.

 Shaking her head in silent disdain while I sat there desperately trying to find somewhere else to focus my eyes other than her frowning face.

While we sat in the awkward silence, I stared at the wall in front of me.

 A gigantic BMI chart.

 I could see my starting weight and the “super morbidly obese” tag below it.

Then my current weight after 96 lbs…still obese!

More silence….more frowning..more head shaking…the BMI chart…..her words ringing in my ears

….yep…I can feel it coming on.

It’s like coming down with a cold.

 “I think I’m coming down with something“, you say, because you can feel it.

  And I can feel the rush of depression, anxiety, failure coming at me like a big wave that’s about to crush me.

The first comment was followed up with, “Maybe you need to see the nutritionist to figure out what you’re doing wrong. You should have lost at LEAST 20 or more pounds by now.  We really need to get you back on the right track”

Ok–I love to watch Survivor–especially the blindsides.

People walk into tribal council so confident thinking they’ve got that million in the bag.

 Then BAM! Jeff Probst informs them that the “tribe has spoken”, snuffs their torch, and before they know what happened their game is over.

Blindsides on Survivor are cool.

In real life–not so much.

You see, I wasn’t expecting it.

Silly me had actually expected a pat on the back or perhaps a “good job”.

 I sat there stunned.

 I was a mere 4 pounds away from having lost 100 pounds.

 I had just walked 3 miles that morning before coming to the doctor’s appointment .

 5 months ago, I could barely get out of my recliner without assistance.

 Suddenly, though, I had someone ( a medical professional who specializes in weight loss…someone in a position of authority) tell me that what I was doing was NOT good enough.

 In fact, it wasn’t even CLOSE to good.

 I was “off track“.

 As I left, she smiled at me, shrugged her shoulders and said “Well just try your best to get back on track“.

 There it was…the TRACK again.

 The track I thought I was on but clearly was off.

How could this be?

What happened next was a blur.

 Somehow my car drove itself on auto pilot straight to McDonald’s.

 It was as if her words had flipped a switch in my brain almost immediately.

There I sat in the parking lot of McDonald’s with a fresh Big Mac staring back at me.

Big Mac and me have a history.

You may prefer a Whopper but my Big Mac has charm.

 He can soothe my deepest fears and darkest cravings.

And like a dream, I suddenly found myself face to face with my old friend.

 Then something broke the trance.

  What was I doing? How did I get here?

Just 2 hours ago I’d walked 3 miles, taken a shower, dressed myself in brand new clothes that were 4 sizes smaller than I’d worn 5 months ago.

 I was 4 POUNDS away from having lost 100 pounds and I was about to get back together with BIG MAC!

The charmer who made sweet promises while adding 540 calories to my hips?

My surgery would make it so I couldn’t eat much even if I tried but THAT was not the point.

  The bigger issue was the REASON I was about to take that first bite.

 Just like Eve chomping on the apple.

  It only took one bite to throw her straight out of Paradise.

 And there I was…with only 4 pounds to go to that big 1-0-0….and I was ready to throw it all away.

Isn’t it amazing the power we give other people over our own lives?

 I don’t know what was going on in the mind of that employee at my surgeon’s office.

 Was she having a bad day?

Was she misinformed?

Did my heckler tell her to get on the sidewalk and then splash her on her way into work?

 Does she think telling people they’re off track will motivate them even more?

 Maybe.

I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt.

The point is it didn’t motivate me.

It discouraged me.

It destroyed me.

And then I internalized it.

I believed her.

I believed every word.

 Everything I already had believed about myself for all these years came flooding back.

  • You can’t do this.
  • You’re not athletic.
  • You’re fooling yourself. 
  • You’re not good enough. 
  • You’ll always be this way.  
  • You can’t resist temptation.
  •  You’re going to FAIL.

 I suddenly threw the Big Mac straight in the trash.

 One minute we were whispering tender love songs to each other and the next I was tossing it out the window like a kid who just got thrown the “hot potato” and doesn’t want to lose the game. 

A warm and freshly made Big Mac and I threw it away without taking one bite because it wasn’t going to give me what I needed.

And what I needed was NOT three hamburger pattys with special dressing on a sesame seed bun.

What I needed was a fresh perspective.

Whatever this woman had said to me…whatever her reasoning…she was wrong.

 96 lbs in 5 months (103 lbs now) is good enough.

 I’m getting the job done.

 I’m getting up every day and checking off the boxes on my “victory” list.

I can play with my kids now.

 Walk them to school.

Go inside the classroom and volunteer because I can FIT in the classroom and I have the energy to handle it now.

Do you think that makes a difference in their lives?

YES!

And Satan hates it.

If you believe in Satan . I do.  Or maybe you call him Darth Vadar.  Or the evil force.  But whatever you call him, he hates seeing you successful.

He will use anything and anyone to throw you off track because the closer you get to the goal the more useful you can be to God and those around you.

I was much less of a threat jammed in my recliner with Hostess cupcake wrappers all around me.

So I really should have been expecting this right?

After all, we are told to watch our backs because that jerk is seeking who he can devour (1 Peter 5:8).

Did I really think the evil one was going to let me just slide into home base with a 100 pounds loss and feel empowered to keep going stronger towards the next 100?

No way!!

He’s losing the battle with me and he knows it.

 So what am I supposed to do then?  Well in addition to the heart rate monitor, Imapmywalk app, Itunes music and headphones…I need to pick up the shield of faith.

“Take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one”
 Ephesians 6:16


And trust me..the arrows ARE lit on fire and YES they burn! 


They hurt.


 They sting.  


And when you pull them out, you cry a little. 


But I’m going to apply a large dose of the TRUTH and reignite my FAITH


I think I’ll make it.


I WILL be victorious. 
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Mike Turner December 17, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Your and awesome Woman Holly I wish I had half your conviction in my battles

Reply

Anonymous March 20, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Glad you sent me here, I needed to read this. 🙂 keep up the amazing work. ~Linda

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Louiseadeus March 21, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I followed you HERE and I'm glad I did!
You are an inspiration!! I'll be back often
to get another dose of your warmth and honest
view of life!
Looking forward to hearing about the next 100!!
Louiseadeux

Reply

Amy-Jean May 23, 2012 at 1:34 pm

WOW – I am a new reader and have been enjoying your journey. This BLOG though, HURT. It really was amazing what the doc said and how inappropriate and unmotivating she was. I in awe. I would have walked in the office the same as you. I am so glad that you saw past her poor bedside manner and lack of knowledge of what it means to empower and support people. I understand the relationship you had with Big Mac and I am so glad that you stopped and rethought your progress, patted yourself on your back as you deserved and tossed that broken relationship aside. For me, that is motivation to the nth degree. I am so enjoying your trials, tribulations and self discovery. You are doing AMAZING. Keep up the good work, for yourself and for the millions of people you are touching. (you may never know how many people’s lives you are touching!!!- but it truly is many). Thank you!

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Gen October 29, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Doctors….er, health professionals can be rather heartless at times. A bit over three years ago, we were moving and part of hubby’s job is that he and his family that are moving with him have to get a health check-up. I weighed in at 185 pounds and told by the doctor that I needed to lose weight (knew that…was working on it) and typed in that I was morbidly obese. I took my copy of my check-up and sobbed most of the way home (in between the depression). Hubby was mad at the doctor and said all the right things, but I too internalized it and believed him. To this day, I have not stepped on a scale unless forced to.

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DD January 15, 2013 at 4:56 am

this made me cry a little–I’ve been there. Thanks for sharing.

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melanie April 1, 2013 at 8:02 pm

I just found your blog and I decided to start at the beginning. I am in the pre-surgical phase of this new journey in my life and want to let you know that you are providing so much inspiration to me. My heaviest weight has been about 430 & currently I am at 391, so finding blogs of others who have had WLS who started at around the same weight has been difficult. So THANK YOU!
This post made me so angry and sad. I have heard all those comments from people, the jokes, the jeers, the terribly unkind things people say. BUt to have a health care professional treat you that way was just beyond horrible. You are working so hard and making so many changes- you deserve a pat on the back- you have earned that! So I just want to say- THANK YOU for sharing your journey with us! 🙂

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