Struggling

July 20, 2011 in Uncategorized

I prefer to write when something happens that makes me feel “I need to write about that!”.

 Unfortunately, the only thing that’s been happening for the past week is a general feeling of BLAH.  Since I don’t know how long that is going to go on and I don’t want to disappear from here, I guess I’m going to just write about the feeling BLAH!

This seems hard to explain.  I had the surgery I’ve waited 10 plus years to have.

I came out on the other side with flying colors and no complications.

I’ve lost 35 lbs.

Relatives have my children for the summer giving me total freedom to focus on me (something that a single mom of 4 kids almost NEVER gets the opportunity to do.)

I’m sticking to my food and exercise plan which means I’m doing everything right.

Yet I feel this gigantic big black cloud hanging over my head and I can’t figure out why.

little rain cloud

I think I miss donuts.

And cupcakes.

And Doritos.

I definitely miss Reeses Peanut Butter cups.

And soda.

And I don’t like drinking water.

I’ve tried Crystal Light and Mio and flavored water.  But somehow when I’m trying to choke down at least 64 ounces it just gets to the point where I dread it.

I feel like an ocean.

And then there’s my coffee.

Oh how I miss my coffee.

I try to drink hot tea and pretend it’s coffee.

It’s not.

I miss Big Macs and the Burrito Ultimo at Taco Cabana.

Then I come to find out that Taco Cabana now has Sopapillas!!

Of course they waited until after I had this surgery to put that on the menu.

Snickers.

Snickers ice cream bars.

Hostess cupcakes.

Bagels!  I miss bagels!

Double stuffed oreos.

And it’s finally dawned on me that what I miss is FOOD.  I miss it.

I’m still eating food but it’s not the “right” food.  It’s not the food that I want.  It’s not the food that I go to when I feel BLAH.

I’ve ultimately failed on every diet I’ve ever been on because when the cloud starts hovering over my head I grab Reeses.

And now I can’t do that.

So instead I sit under this cloud and get more depressed.  Could I be anymore ridiculous?

I’m actually depressed because I can’t eat certain foods??  And a part of me wonders if I’ll ever find anything to replace that.

Sometimes I feel like a girl who just broke up with the love of her life!

How did food get to be so important in my life?

And now that we’re broken up, what will replace it?

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Angela January 8, 2013 at 8:12 pm

Wow! I’ve wrote something so very similar in my journal…over and over!
The BLAH is a famous character in my journal….

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Dee February 27, 2013 at 4:27 am

Hi,

While I was reading this I thought “Wow, she sure describes how I am feeling about getting my surgery”, i think that I will miss food…. but when you say such a thing people dont understand what you mean.

Food has always been there for every celebration, every dissappointment, and so on. People… they come and go except for the few true friends; but food was always there.

Stay strong! You can do this!

<3 Dee

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